Old and New Jokes

New assimilation software turned out to be vaporware; back to square one when the suppliers 1-800 number was disconnected.
Assimilation of Locutus caused chaos as the Borg became caught up in a massive Sam Spade adventure game craze.
If Earth were assimilated, the commute from Borg home planet would be a killer drive.
Collective Borg decided a cube was to complicated a form – awaiting building of a new pyramid ship.
Earth was too blue for their tastes; they were hoping for an emerald green planet, something in a teal, with tasteful lavender clouds.
Bidding war for exclusive appearance in Coke or Pepsi commercials too agonizing a choice… returned home to rebuild decision circuits.
Earth too close to the sun… would ruin their cultivated pallor.
They heard that Worf bragged of personally kicking their butts if they showed their face in the sector again… began laughing for first time, havent stopped yet.
$29 navigation chip failed… they now have NO idea where Earth is… wandering out by the Cardassians, asking directions.

And the number one reason the Borg havent returned to Earth….

WESLEY CRUSHER

Q: What did the rug say to the carpet?

A: Nothing, neither can talk. If they could talk, hypothetically, they would probably talk about the state of our nation and how to improve things.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

1. Plan ahead. It wasnt raining when Noah built the ark.


2. Stay fit. When youre 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.


3. Dont listen to critics – do what has to be done.


4. Build on high ground.


5. For safetys sake, travel in pairs.


6. Two heads are better than one.


7. Speed isnt always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.


8. If you cant fight or flee – float!


9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.


10. Dont forget that were all in the same boat.

/* GCFL wishes all our readers a Merry Christmas! */

When I was a child of about twelve years old, we had a Christmas that I have never forgotten. We grew up in humble means to say the least, but we generally always had one or two gifts under the tree even if they were only socks and underwear.
During this particular Christmas, by good fortune we had many gifts. For the first time in a long time, we received a lot of the things we actually wanted. I was one of seven children, so this was a very big deal. We were all so excited and could hardly wait until Christmas morning.
However, on that Christmas Eve, after careful reflection and much heated discussion, my father decided that it was much too much, and that in this frenzy that we had lost the true meaning of Christmas.
With much trepidation, we were instructed to hand over all but one of our unopened gifts. There was some crying, some anger, some shock and disbelief. What happened next truly astounded us. My father loaded all those gifts into his truck and we all piled in. We went from house to house in our community and handed out our things. Some of the families we knew, some we didnt. All were as poor as we were. Some had no gifts except for ours. As that truck rounded corner after corner, slowly, very slowly, the anger left. The shock and disbelief vanished and were replaced with a different sort of emotion. We all started to feel a overwhelming sense of joy in this service. The mark that this experience left on our lives has changed the way we look at Christmas forever.
Never before had I grasped what Christmas was truly about. It is about unselfish giving. Not of toys or gifts, but giving of ourselves. It was of Christ who would gave the ultimate gift of eternal life.
That experience taught us that at the celebration of his birth, our giving should reflect his ultimate sacrifice. He gave the whole of his life in our service and for our sake showing us His love. Hence the best gift we can give to others at Christmas is our time, sharing our talents, and genuine love, as acts of kindness.

Received from Dr. Scott Brooksby.

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didnt believe in Heaven or Hell.

Marry him anyway dear. the Mother said. Between the two of us, well show him just how wrong he is.

Un matrimonio fue invitado a una fiesta de máscaras y disfraces. A ella le dolía muchísimo la cabeza y le pide al marido que se vaya solo.

Él protestó, pero ella le dijo que se iba a tomar una aspirina e irse a la cama, por lo que no había necesidad de que él se quedara en la casa. Así que el marido se puso el disfraz y se fue.

La mujer, después de dormir una hora, se despertó bien, sin dolor. Como era temprano decidió ir a la fiesta. Y como el marido no sabía cuál era su disfraz, ella pensó que sería divertido observar como actuaba él cuando estaba solo.

Ella llegó a la fiesta y enseguida vio al marido bailando en la pista con cada chica con la que se cruzaba, tocando un poco por acá y tirando besitos por allá. La esposa se le acercó y empezó a seducirlo. Él dejó a la mujer con la que estaba y se dedicó a la recién llegada. Ella lo dejó avanzar todo lo que él quisiera: finalmente era su marido.

En un momento, él le susurró una proposición en el oído y ella aceptó.

Salieron de la fiesta y en uno de los autos tuvieron sexo. A medianoche, antes de desenmascararse, la señora se escabulló, fue a su casa, se quitó el disfraz y se metió en la cama, preguntándose qué clase de explicación le iba a dar el marido.

Cuando él entró, ella estaba sentada en la cama, leyendo.

¿Cómo te fue?, le preguntó.

Bueno, lo de siempre, dijo él. Ya sabes que no la paso bien cuando no estoy contigo.

¿Bailaste mucho?

Ni una sola pieza. Cuando llegué, me encontré con Pedro, Guillermo y otros muchachos, así que nos fuimos a la planta alta y jugamos póker toda la noche. ¡Lo que no me vas a poder creer es lo que le pasó al tipo al que le presté mi disfraz!

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: What are YOU shaking for? Shes going to eat me!

Goldensterns Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.

Why dont [ethnics] become
pharmicists?

– Because they cant fit the
prescription bottles in the
type-writer.