Heard on Global Village Network News on the Nickelodeon cable TV Channel:
Donald Trump reports that he actually has a dime for every time hes been
called a ruthless bloodsucking bastard.
03
May
03
May
Granddad, would you like this candy?
Yes, please.
You love it?
Hmmmm, great!
Then I dont understand why the dog spat it out.
03
May
Why is food better than men?
Because you dont have to wait an hour for seconds.
03
May
A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.
He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.
Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.
When Gabriel asked him why it didnt affect him, he said, This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands.
03
May
As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and out of heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair-raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, Would you please be more careful? I have six children at home.Scheesch lady. murmured the cabby. Youve got six kids and youve got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?
03
May
Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere.
03
May
A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.
The woman on the other end of the phone said, My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I cant get them apart.
The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.
She said Yes, but it didnt work.
He said, Did you try hitting them with a broom.
She said, Yes, but that didnt work either.
He then said, Well Maam heres what you do. Hang up. Ill call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.
She said, Do you really think that will work?
He said, Well it just did for me!
03
May
A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair of headphones. The hairdresser tried to get her to take them off, but the blonde protested."You cant take those away from me — Ill die without them!" The hairdresser sighed, and tried to explain how difficult it would be to cut her hair with them on, but the blonde wouldnt budge. So she began cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde feel asleep, and the hairdresser figured she could remove the headphones for a few minutes. But shortly thereafter, the blonde collapsed, dead on the floor. The hairdresser, confused, picked up the headphones, which were repeating "Breathe In, Breathe Out."
03
May
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ”What is that?”
”They’re smart pills,” said the other boy. ”Eat them and they’ll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ”These taste like sh*t.”
”See,” said the other boy, ”you’re getting smarter already.”
02
May
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Neal!
Neal who?
Neal and pray!