When Clinton was running for office he claimed that he had never used
marijuana. He admitted to having a joint in his mouth, but explained that
he never inhaled.
It seems that he now claims he never had sex with Monica Lewinsky,
Apparantly she didnt swallow.
Darwin Award Winner for 1997 Announced
You all know about the Darwin Awards – Its an annual honor given to
the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it.
In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO unit
to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the
roadbed.
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles — one of the few
Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larrys
boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he
joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor
eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to
satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the
local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and
several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated,
would measure more than four feet across.
Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn
chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the
balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still
only a few feet above the ground.
Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack
of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun– figuring he could pop a few
balloons when it was time to descend– and went back to the floating
lawn chair.
He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larrys
plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back
yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.
Things didnt quite work out that way.
When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didnt
float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky
as if shot from a cannon. He didnt level off at 30 feet, nor did he
level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at
11,000 feet. At that height he couldnt risk shooting any of the
balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in
trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more
than 14 hours.
Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the the
primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A
United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described
passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the
existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX
emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was
dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was
falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to
sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the
helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry
was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the
draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.
Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet
above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was
hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by
the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was
arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As
he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring
rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped,turned and replied
nonchalantly, A man cant just sit around.
Lets hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
Because everywhere you sat, you sat behind a Pole.
– Only if they dont work.
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as EuroEnglish.
In the first year, s will replace the soft c.. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard c will be dropped in favor of the k. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced with the f. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent es in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th with z and w with v.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaiining ou and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
A maadu named Hariharan lived in New York city. Once he went to a bank to request a loan of $5000 as he was about to leave for a business trip to Europe. The bank agreed for the loan but asked for a guarantee. The maadu immediately handed the bank manager the keys to his brand new rolls royce that was parked downstairs. The bank people agreed and parked the rolls royce in their parking lot. The maadu took the $5000 and went to Europe. He returned after a week. The bank asked him $12.50 interest on the loan. The maadu payed the amount and the interest and was about to leave before the bank manager stopped him for a minute. The manager told the maadu that he was pleased to do business with the maadu but he also told that, sir,we checked your accounts and we came to know that you are a millionaire,then why did you borrow just $5000 from us? the maadu replied, its not the $5000 that matter ,what matters is that I couldnt have found a parking for my car in $12.50 for 1 week.
A man, called to testify at the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper, the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. Dont let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
Let me tell you a story, replied the Rabbi. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
Wear a heavy, long, flannel night-gown that goes right up to your neck.
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.
Wear your most sexy underwear.
The man protested, What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?
The Rabbi replied, No matter what you wear my son, youre going to get screwed.
As told to me by a friend in the British Army:
A British officer spotted a busker (street singer/bum) at the
bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker
had a sign which read: VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR.
The officer thought, Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!
Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of
his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted
with a hearty: Gracias, Senor!!
A woman asked her doctor for birth control pills.
Maam, how old are you?
Im 75.
What possible need do you have for birth control pills?
They help me sleep better.
The doctor looked perplexed, Just how do birth control pills help you
sleep?
I sneak them into my granddaughters orange juice every morning!
What do I know about sex? Im a married man.
– Tom Clancy
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesomethings that money can buy.
– Steve Martin
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
– Drew Carey
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go its pretty damned good.
– Woody Allen
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you dont have a good partner, youd better have a good hand.
– Unknown
If it werent for pickpockets Id have no sex life at all.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
– Dick Brandon
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
– Richard Feynman
All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after youve done it.
– Robert Waldo Brunelle, Jr.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
– Woody Allen
I think there are two areas where new ideas are terribly dangerous: economics and sex. By and large, its all been tried, and if its really new, its probably illegal or dangerous or unhealthy.
– Felix G. Rohatyn
It isnt premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
– Matt Barry
Love aint nothin but sex misspelled.
– Harlan Ellison
Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.
– Unknown
Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
– Michael Sinz
Remember, if you smoke after sex youre doing it too fast.
– Woody Allen
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
– George Burns
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
– Henry Miller
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
– P. J. O Rourke
I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, youd find at least one sex scene.
– Dave Barry