Knock Knock
Whos there?
Seville!
Seville who?
Seville you play with me?
!

A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

In bed with her lover after several hours of passionate lovemaking, Brendas
phone rang. She told her lover, who was also her husbands best friend, to
be very quiet. As she answered the phone, he listened quietly to her
cheerful side of the conversation. Hello? Oh, hi. Oh, really? Well, that
sounds wonderful! Im so happy for you! Great! Okay, have a good time. Bye!
She hung up the phone and her lover asked, Who was that?
She replied, That was just my husband, telling me all
about the wonderful time hes having on his fishing trip
with you.

AlabamaHell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska11,623 Eskimos Cant Be Wrong!

ArizonaBut Its A Dry Heat

ArkansasLiteracy Aint Everything

CaliforniaBy 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

ColoradoIf You Dont Ski, Dont Bother

ConnecticutLike Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Dont Own It – Yet

DelawareWe Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

FloridaAsk Us About Our Grandkids

GeorgiaWe Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism

HawaiiHaka Tiki Mou Shaami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

IdahoMore Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, Were Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

IllinoisPlease Dont Pronounce the S

Indiana2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

IowaWe Do Amazing Things With Corn

KansasFirst Of The Rectangle States

KentuckyFive Million People; Fifteen Last Names

LouisianaWere Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But Thats Our Tourism Campaign

MaineWere Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

MarylandIf You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

MassachusettsOur Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens (For Most Tax Brackets)

MichiganFirst Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

MississippiCome And Feel Better About Your Own State

MissouriYour Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

MontanaLand Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

NebraskaAsk About Our State Motto Contest

NevadaHookers and Poker!

New HampshireGo Away And Leave Us Alone

New JerseyYou Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New MexicoLizards Make Excellent pets

New YorkYou Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney….

North CarolinaTobacco Is A Vegetable

North DakotaWe Really Are One Of The 50 States!

OhioAt Least Were Not Michigan

OklahomaLike The Play, Only No Singing

OregonSpotted Owl… Its Whats For Dinner

PennsylvaniaCook With Coal

Rhode IslandWere Not REALLY An Island

South CarolinaRemember The Civil War? We Didnt Actually Surrender

South DakotaCloser Than North Dakota

TennesseeThe Educashun State

TexasSi Hablo Ingles

UtahOur Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

VermontYep

VirginiaWho Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Dont Mix?

WashingtonHelp! Were Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.Wanna Be Mayor?

West VirginiaOne Big Happy Family… Really!

WisconsinCome Cut The Cheese

WyomingWhere Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving.

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me officer, whats the hold up?

The officer replies, The President just found out he was impeached and hes all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. Im walking around taking up a collection for him.

Oh really? How much have you collected so far?

Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons.

Seasons Greetings,

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens were boycotted, after the French insistance on continuing nuclear testing;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen and/or senators. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrifieced, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen and/or this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line…

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarves is the right number.

Q: Why did Spock look in Kirks toilet?

A: He wanted to see the Captains Log …

Q: What do the Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

A: They both fly around to the dark side of Uranus and wipe out Klingons …

Kids: Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play? Mother: I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy, Kids: Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?

After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.
Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldnt understand Hindi had occupied his sons berth.
Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.

Santa Singh explained, That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child.

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
How was work, dear? his wife asks.
Listen! I dont want to talk about work! he shouts.
Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal? she asks sweetly.
Listen! he shouts again. Im not hungry! I dont wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Cant I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, Well, I guess its that time of the month.