Old and New Jokes

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the

collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that

perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving

more.

And just how would I go about doing that? he asked.

It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that

the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone

voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a

slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the

collection plate.

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and

behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher

did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every

Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried

his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the

chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud

thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. Crap! exclaimed the

pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.

En un elegante bar, un tipo se acerca a la mesa de una hermosa mujer que se encontraba sola.

Disculpe, podría invitarle una copa.

¡Está Ud. loco! ¿Qué me vio cara de prostituta?, grita la fémina.

El individuo, apenado, se regresa a su mesa seguido por la mirada de todos los clientes.

Después de un rato, la chica se acerca a la mesa del caballero:

Le ofrezco una disculpa. Soy psicóloga y estudio el comportamiento de la gente ante situaciones inesperadas.

¡Qué, cinco mil pesos por una noche!, exclama el hombre.

Cierto día cuando Pepito llegó a la escuela y vio muchos carteles pegados en la pared que decían:

En Pro de la educación, En Pro de la salud, En Pro de la nutrición. Entonces Pepito al desconocer el significado de la palabra Pro le pregunta a su maestra:

¿Maestra que quiere decir Pro?

A lo que la maestra le responde que significa a favor de cierta causa.

A la hora de salida Pepito muy apresurado sale de la clase. La maestra lo detiene y le dice:

Pepito ¿a donde vas?

¡Voy al registro civil!

¿Y eso para que?

Es que me quiero cambiar mi segundo nombre.

¿Y cual es tu segundo nombre?

¡Próculo!

Bill Gates recently got married. After the wedding, Bill and his new wife got back to their honeymoon suite and later, of course, they crashed into bed.



Apparently things didnt work out pretty well for Bill that night, and the next morning his new wife got up, pointed at the embarrassed Bill Gates and rather annoyed she said: Now I know why your company is called what its called!

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesnt want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.



Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldnt have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didnt know he was hurt.



A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.



The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.



Well, you really tied one on last night, she said. Whered you go?



I worked late, he said, and I stopped off for a couple of beers.



A couple of beers? Thats a laugh, she replied. You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?



What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?



Well, she replied, my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, Whats that She says, Well, its a beaver, Johnny.



The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, Mom I know what that is. Its a beaver, but I think grandmas is dead because its tongue is hanging out.

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.

A pilot, the President, Micheal Jackson, a librarian, and some kids are on a plane that is about to crash. There are just enough parachutes that one person must die.



The pilot says Well, Im the pilot so i have to live, so he jumps out with a parachute.





The President says Well Im the President and I have to run the country so i should live,





But what about the kids? said the librarian.





Screw the kids said the President.





I already did said Micheal Jackson.

One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.