Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

A blonde meets up with a friend as shes picking up her car from the mechanic.

Everything ok with your car now?
Yes, thank goodness, the blonde replies.

Werent you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?

Yeah, but he didnt. I was SO RELIEVED when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!

The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal.

It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldnt bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but it was so stupid they had to teach it how to swim.

Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and trash on the floor.
Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santas lap. Refuse to get off.
Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny youre wearing it.
Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town …
Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say youve been very naughty this year.
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.)
Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
Sing: All I want for Christmas is my roomates two front teeth …
Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesnt come to life, cry hysterically it didnt work!
Whip your roomate screaming now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.
Tear down all your roomates Christmas decorations yelling Bah Humbug!
Wake up every morning screaming Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!
Tell your roomate youre moving out. Santas buying you a house on 34th Street.
Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomates friends give it a yank.
Ring jingle bells maniacally saying every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.
Stand in front of the mirror reciting How the Grinch Stole Christmas over and over in your underwear.
Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comesnaturaly.
Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, he sees you when youre sleeping …
Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her I had to let them stay here, theres no room at the inn.
When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santas elves must have done it.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, Can I help you?Yeah, Ive come to activate your phone lines.

A travelling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasnt sure how to get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. "Sure," said the farmer. "Ive got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but Ive only got one bed, so youll have to sleep with me."The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldnt get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didnt understand."Heres how it works," said the farmer. "Everytime you fart, its a touchdown." The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted…and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed. "Whatll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman."Halftime. Switch sides."

There was a blonde whose house was on fire. She calls the fire department screaming, Help me, help me. My house is on fire. Please! The fire department operator says, Okay, okay. Calm down and well be there soon. How do we get to your house? The blonde answers, Duh, in that big red truck!"

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for? The second kid says, Im in here to get my tonsils out and Im a little nervous. The first kid says, Youve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. Its a breeze. The second kid then asks, What are you here for? The first kid says, A circumcision.And the second kid says, Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldnt walk for a year!

A: They cant get their heads in the jar.

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

Great idea! the chicken cried. Why dont we offer them ham and eggs?

Not so fast, said the pig testily. For you, thats a contribution. For me, its a total commitment.