Way back in the country one morning, Papa Mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said, What a beautiful morning! I think I smell sauage and pancakes!
Mama mole sticks her head out of the mole hole and said I agree with you Papa, it is a truly nice morning. And, I smell maple syrup too.
Baby mole could not get his little head out of the mole hole and all he could smell was molasses!
Q: Who wears a forest rangers hat and carries a can of kerosene?
A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.
A guy in a bar stands up and says, All lawyers are assholes.
Another guy stands up and says Hey…I resent that…
The first guy says, Why? Are you a lawyer?
The second guy says, No. Im an asshole.
A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor,
Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as its being born.
The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this.
Why dont you know what color the child is going to be?
Well, says the woman, the problem is that Im a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is.
OK, says the doctor, Ill do it for you, but its most unusual.
The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?
Yes, doctor, he was, says the woman.
Wait, says the doctor, the chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?
Yes doctor, he was.
Wait, now the legs are out and theyre light brown. Was one of the actors of mixed race?
Yes doctor, he was.
So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy waaaaahh and starts crying.
Oh, thank God for that! says the woman, for a moment there I thought it might bark.
Van un manco, un cojo y un parapléjico al santuario de Lourdes, para ver si allà pueden curarles algo. Cuando llegan al manantial el manco decide meter el muñón en el agua, al rato saca el brazo y ve que tiene la mano completa.
¡Dios mÃo, gracias por este milagro, te rezaré todos los dÃas!
El cojo se queda alucinado y decide meter él también la pierna; al cabo de un rato la saca y dice:
¡Dios mÃo! ¡Milagro, mi pie vuelve a estar en su sitio y con todos sus dedos! ¡Gracias!
Total que el parapléjico dice:
¡Por favor, compañeros, métanme a mi entero en el agua, a ver si yo también me curo!
Sus amigos lo meten con todo y la silla de ruedas dentro del agua y un momento después lo sacan.
¿Qué pasa? ¿Cómo te sientes? ¡Intenta levantarte!
El inválido pretende pararse, pero tras varios intentos se rinde:
No puedo, esto no ha servido de nada.
Y dicen sus amigos:
¿Cómo que no ha servido de nada? ¡Mira tu silla: rines de aluminio, espejo retrovisor y con motorcito!
There was some people an a plane and they threw a appl, and orange, and a bomb out the window. When they landed they decided to go on a walk and there was a boy cyring and they asked why are you crying and he said a apple came out of the sky and hurt my dog, so they went on and saw this girl crying and they asked why are you cryin and the girl said a orange came out of the sky and hurt my cat so they went on and saw a blond laughing and they said whats so funny and she said i farted and the building behind me blew up!!!
At first, you think the Harmless Weirdo is adorably eccentric, offbeat, and intelligent–an iconoclast, really. Yes, he has a few unusual quirks and mannerisms, but hes no boring, cookie-cutter frat boy. In short, hes totally unlike any other man youve ever dated, which strikes you as a good thing.
Your view changes, radically, the evening you proudly introduce him to your friends. In front of everyone you know, your new suitor relates an anecdote about a bus trip he once took that goes on forever and has no apparent pont. THen, when the conversation turns to politics, he hijacks it, launching into a long, unstoppable tirade about the unacknowledged link between diet soda and brain damage. In a moment of sickening clarity, you become aware that you are dating a deeply odd individual. Hes the nerd from chemistry class, traveling incognito thanks to a pair of chinos from the GAP.
Moments after this revelation, you put dumping him on the top of your to-do list. But the Harmless Weirdo isnt exactly attuned to social clues and fundamentally doesnt understand hes being ditched. Long after youve shown him the door, hell still call and drop by with no warning, as though nothing has changed. Although hes not physically threatening, psychologically, hes a menace. Hes a reminder that at times, your judgement can be very poor, indeed.
Q: Why did the cat cross the road?
A: It was the chicken’s day off.
A stagnant science is at a standstill.
And for those of you who remember the famous I didnt inhale comes
the now soon to be famous #1 excuse.
I didnt insert