IM GLAD IM A MAN Im glad Im a man, you better believe; I dont live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I dont bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts; I can get where I want to — north, south, east or west. I dont get wasted after only 2 beers; and when I do drink I dont end up in tears. I wont spend hours deciding what to wear; I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I dont go around checking my reflection; in everything shiny from every direction. I dont whine in public and make us leave early; and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. Im glad Im a man, Im so glad I could sing; I dont have to sit around waiting for that ring. I dont gossip about friends or stab them in the back; I dont carry our differences into the sack. Ill never go psycho and threaten to kill you; or think every guy out theres trying to steal you. Im rational, reasonable, and logical too; I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball; its more fun than dealing with women after all. I wont cry if you say its not going to work; I wont remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure; I wont assume its permanent by any measure. Yes, Im so very glad Im a man, you see; Im glad Im not capable of child delivery. I dont get all bitchy every 28 days; Im glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. Im a man by chance and Im thankful its true; Im so glad Im a man and not a woman like you! IM GLAD IM A WOMANIm glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am; I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam. I dont brag to my buddies about my erections; I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown; and I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt; my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I dont go around “re-adjusting” my crotch; or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind. Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind! Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing; I dont have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back; when I lean over you cant see three inches of crack. And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb; Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side; Im a woman, you know – Ive got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball; I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I wont tell you my wife just does not understand; or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep; then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, Im so very glad Im a woman, you see; forget all about that old penis envy. I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks; join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. Im a woman by chance and Im thankful, its true; Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!
A man and a woman are having sex and the woman excuses herself to use the bathroom. While shes in the bathroom, the man notices a picture of a man above her bed. Curious, he asks the woman when she comes back.
Is that your cousin? he asks.
Nope. she responded. Brother? he says.
Nope she says again. Father?
Nope. she says.
Well, who is he? he finally says.
Oh, that was me before the operation.
Mrs. Levy has just taken little David to school when it hits her that she forgot to give him his apple.
She spots Mrs. Cohen walking by and askes her to give the apple to the best looking boy in the class.
So Mrs. Cohen gives the Apple to her own Son.
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries…
Cody: What do spiders eat with fried chicken?
Jim: What?
Cody: Corn on the cobweb!
The pope died. Like all good Christians he went to heaven and knocked on the gate. Peter opened the gate, and the pope said: Im the pope.
Peter picked up the phone and rang Jesus. I have someone here who says hes the pope, do you know him?
Jesus answered: No, never heared of him, send him to hell.
Peter relayed this message to the pope.
That cant be true, ring God himself, the pope said.
Peter rang God and said: Heres someone who says hes the pope, do you know him?
God answered: No, never heard of him, send him to hell.
And again, Peter told the pope.
The last chance I have is the Holy Spirit, the pope said.
Peter rang him and said: I have someone here who says hes the pope, you know him?
Yes, he said, I know him. Hes the one who told everyone I got Maria pregnant. Send him to hell.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please.
The bartender gave him the drink.
Then the Budweiser President orders, The King Of Beers — Budweiser.
The bartender proceeds with the order.
The Amstel President walks in and orders The Finest Beer ever.
The bartender gives him an Amstel.
Then the Guinness President says, Ill have a coke please.
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.
All the Presidents looked over at him and said, Why have you ordered a coke?
He replied, Well if you all arent drinking beer, then neither shall I.
a man walked into a bar and said, hey everyone, the drinks are on me, and your included too bartender. after the bartender and everyone else had a round of drinks, the bartender give him the bill. the man said, oh i dont have any money today, Ill have to pay you later. the bartender became very angry and threw the man out of the bar. about a month later, the same man walked into the bar and said, the drinks are on me everybody including you bartender. after everyone had their drink, the bartender give him the bill, again the man said, IM broke today bartender, Ill have to pay you later. again the bartender became very angry and threw the man out of the bar. another month later, the same man walked into the bar and said, hey everybody, the drinks are on me. The bartender said, hey what about me? The man said forget it buddy, you get mean when you drink.
Federico vivÃa en un apartamento con Karla. Ante los ojos de la familia de Federico Karla sólo compartÃa el apartamento con Federico. Nadie podÃa comprobar otra cosa.
Un dÃa, Federico invita a su madre a cenar a su apartamento. Durante la cena, la madre no pudo evitar reparar en lo hermosa que era Karla. Durante mucho tiempo habÃa tenido sospechas de que su hijo sostenÃa una relación con Karla y, al verla, la sospecha no pudo sino acrecentarse. En el transcurso de la velada, mientras observaba el modo en que los dos se comportaban, se preguntó si estarÃan acostándose. Leyendo a su madre el pensamiento, Federico asevera:
Mamá, sé lo que estás pensando, pero te aseguro que Karla y yo sólo somos compañeros de apartamento.
Aproximadamente una semana después, Karla le comentó a Federico que, desde el dÃa en que su madre vino a cenar, no encontraba el cucharón grande de plata para servir sopa.
Federico contesto que, conociendo a su madre, dudaba que ella se lo hubiese llevado pero que le escribirÃa una nota y que la dejarÃa en un lugar visible en la casa de su madre: en la puerta del refrigerador. Asà que se sentó y escribió:
Querida mamá:
No estoy diciendo que tú tomaras el cucharón de plata para servir sopa; tampoco estoy diciendo que no lo hicieras, pero el hecho es que éste ha desaparecido desde que tú viniste a cenar a mi apartamento.
Con todo cariño, tu hijo Federico.
Unos dÃas más tarde, sobre su escritorio, Federico encuentra una nota de su madre:
Querido hijo:
No estoy diciéndote que te acuestas con Karla o que no te acuestas con Karla, pero el hecho es que si Karla se acostara en su propia cama, ya habrÃa encontrado el cucharón de plata para servir sopa que yo puse bajo sus sábanas.
Con todo cariño, mamá.
Mirrors dont talk, but lucky for you, they dont laugh either.