How can you tell if a Jewish American Princesss a nymphomaniac?
Shell make love the same day she has her hair done.
19
Apr
19
Apr
Hello. You have reached the Coalition to Eliminate Answering Machines.
Unfortunately, no one can come to the phone right now….
19
Apr
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
19
Apr
I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
19
Apr
Jesus, Moses, and an old man were golfing one day. Moses teed off first and hit a wicked slice into the pond. Unflustered, Moses walked down to the pond, raised his staff (er, club) and the waters parted. Moses walked to his ball and chipped it up onto the green.
Jesus was up next and hit the same ugly slice into the pond. But when the ball hit the water, it didnt sink. Jesus walked across the water to the ball, and calmly chipped it up onto the green.
The old man went next, and sure enough he hit the same slice towards the pond. But just before the ball could hit the water a fish leaped up and caught the ball in its mouth. A huge bird swooped out of the sky and caught the fish in its mighty talons. As the bird flew over the green, a lightening bolt flashed out of the sky and hit the bird. The fish dropped from the sky, and landed on the green. The ball popped out of the fishs mouth and rolled into the cup for a hole-in-one.
At this, Jesus turned to the old man and said…
Dad, youre such a show off!
19
Apr
[Ed: This submitter put this in rot13, nobody knows why.]
Four high school boys (and girls) afflicted with spring fever
skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher
that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and
said: Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one
another and take out a piece of paper.
Still smiling, she waited
for them to sit down. Then she said:
First Question: Which tire was flat?
19
Apr
Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a streetcorner.
One says to the other, Boy it sure is hot today. Id really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, No Pets Allowed, and I cant leave Fido alone on the street.
The other man replies, No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and youll be having that beer real soon!
The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, Hey buddy, you cant bring that dog in here!
The man says, But Im blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!
The bartender says, Oh, OK then. The man drinks his beer and leaves.
The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, Hey buddy, you cant bring that dog in here!
The man says, But Im blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!
The bartender says, Oh really? Ive never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!!
The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!?
19
Apr
Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago.
— Detroit News article
Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee
— Toronto Star headline
Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6.
— Entrepreneur Magazine ad
Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out
— The Tallahassee Bugle
Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs
— The Anchorage, Alaska Times
Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming
— The New Haven, Connecticut Register
Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters
— The Tallahassee Democrat
Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely!
— The Houston Chronicle
Governors Penis Busy [should be Pen Is]
— The New Haven, Connecticut Register
Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son
— The Arkansas Plainsman
Clinton Places Dickey In Gores Hands
— Bangor Maine News
Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position
— The Washington Times
Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal
— The Bosnia Bugle
Long Island Stiffens For Lilis Blow
— Newsday
Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax
— San Antonio Rose
Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free
— Chicago Daily News
Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders
— The Miami Herald
19
Apr
Lou Ann passed away and Billy Bob called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away.
Where do you live? asked the operator.
Billy Bob replied, At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
The operator asked, Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause, and finally Billy Bob said, How bout if I drag her over to Pine Street and you pick her up there?
19
Apr
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?
He answered, Youve got to keep that old motor running.
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, You really are amazing. How do you do it?
He again said, Youve got to keep the old motor running.
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, You must be quite a man.
He responded, Youve got to keep that old motor running.
The nurse then said, Well, you had better change the oil.
This ones black!