Old and New Jokes

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

Dancing: Why Men Dont Like To.

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

Warren Commission virus: Wont allow you to open your files for 75 years.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While hes in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldnt have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, For The Tooth Fairy. 🙂 Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, For Santa. 🙁

11. Take everything out of your house as if its just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While hes in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santas sure to see them. Go outside, yell, Ooh! Look! A deer! And hes got a red nose! and fire a gun.

Entra un hombre al consultorio de un dentista y le pregunta: Cuánto cuesta la extracción?

Con dolor 5,000, sin dolor 2,000.

¿Oiga, no será al revés?

No, no, se lo aseguro.

Bueno, pues que sea sin dolor.

El dentista comienza y le da unos tirones al paciente que empieza a dar unos gritos que dan miedo.

¡AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Perdone, pero como insista dando gritos, se la voy a tener que

cobrar con dolor.

Dos barcos estaban atracados en un puerto. Una embarcación era de Tontilandia y la otra inglesa. Todas las noches desde el barco británico se escuchaba un llamado:

¡Manolo, Manolo, Manolo!

Y un tontilandés respondía:

¿Qué pasa?

¡La concha de tu hermana!, replicaban desde el otro barco.

¡Coño, no puede ser! ¡Putísima madre!

El hombre del barco inglés continuó con sus llamados y Manolo respondiéndole. Dos semanas después, Manolo harto de esa situación le comenta el hecho al capitán, y éste le aconseja:

Mira, cuando veas gente en el otro barco grita: Smith, Smith, y luego le dices lo que quieras.

Gracias, capitán, agradece Manolo entusiasmado.

Entonces sale a cubierta y grita a todo pulmón:

¡Smith, Smith!

¿Quién lo llama?, preguntan desde la otra nave.

Manolo.

¡La concha de tu hermana!

A guy in Miami who was in charge of the elections in 2000, is fired for the fiasco, so he decides to get into fake money business. Trying to be original, he prints a lot of new 90 dollar bills! He then tries to see if people would know the bills are fake. He enters a shop and goes to the cash:

– Can you please break this 90 dollar bill for me?



– I am sorry sir, I can not, but I will ask the manager. By the way, do you want three 30 dollar bills or two 45 dollar ones?

When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

Pull the pin and throw it back.

When your parents inquire about your grades and you sing the cookie monster song (C is for cookie, thats good enough for me…).
You have spent more time figuring out that you only need a 54% on the final to pass than you have actually spent studying.
When you are swamped with homework and spend your time making up a list like this.
When you start showering after class rather than before.
The test papers are no longer worthy of the fridge door.
When the campus drunk tells you you should study more.
When your favorite paperweight says Bud Light.
Visions of the upcoming weekend help you to make it through Monday.
When your absence exceeds your attendance.
When your study schedule is based on the rationale that you might actually die before the test!

Describe your problem:

Now, describe the problem accurately:

Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

Problem Severity:
Minor
Minor
Minor
Trivial

Nature of the problem:

Locked Up
Frozen
Hung
Shot

Is your computer plugged in?
Yes
No

Is it turned on?
Yes
No

Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes
No

Have you made it worse?
Yes

Have you read the manual?
Yes
No

Are you sure youve read the manual?
Yes
No

Are you absolutely certain youve read the manual?
No

Do you think you understood it?
Yes
No

If Yes then why cant you fix the problem yourself?

What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?

If nothing explain why you were logged in.

Are you sure you arent imagining the problem?
Yes
No

Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes
No

Cant you do something else, instead of bothering me?
Yes