Old and New Jokes

Your mamas teeth are so messed up….i thought her tongue was in jail!

Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. Ill never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives.



His wife replies, Why thank you, dear!

You might be a Republican if…..1. Youre a pro-lifer but support the death penalty.2. Youve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.3. Youve ever uttered the phrase Why dont we just
bomb the sons of bitches?4. Youve ever called a secretary or waitress Honey.5. You dont think The Simpsons is all that funny, but
you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.6. You dont let your kids watch Sesame Street because
you accuse Bert and Ernie of sexual deviance.7. You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit.8. You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.9. Youve argued that art has a moral foundation set in Western values.10. You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.11. You argue that you need 300 handguns in case a bear
ever attacks your home.12. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.13. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of
the end of racism in America.14. Youve ever said Clean air? Looks clean to me.15. Youve ever referred to Anita Hill as that lying
bitch while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.16. Youve ever called education a luxury.17. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.18. You own a vehicle with an Ollie North: American
Hero sticker.19. Youre afraid of the liberal media.20. You ever based an argument on the phrase, Well,
tradition dictates …21. Youve ever called the National Endowment for the
Arts a bunch of pornographers.22. You think all artists are gay.23. You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesnt want to contribute to society.
You might be a Democrat if…..Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must

A friend of mine had no life insurance, but he did have plenty of fire insurance. His widow, practical woman that she was, had him cremated.

Yet another friend was just the opposite. He almost busted the family budget with his many life insurance policies. In fact, every time he left the house, his wife would stand in the door, wave, and say, Take chances!

My insurance company reduced my rates again for not having any vehicle accidents. As my agent presented the award, he wanted to know the secret of driving for so many years accident free. I told him, Easy, I read a long time ago that 4 out of every 10 accidents are alcohol related. I always drink before I drive to have the odds in my favor.

Damn fool wanted to cancel my policy on the spot.

One of the benefits allowed Maryland State Highway employees when they retire is group life insurance.

I signed up for the maximum. Now, if I die in a group, Mrs JimJr will be one rich lil lady.

When one of the neighbors boys got married, I told him it was time to start thinking about some life insurance.

He said, Nah, Mr. Jim. I dont think Bonnies that dangerous.

In retrospect, I guess I should have gone with the Allstate Insurance Company. All of their TV commercials show them giving people a hand. All my insurance company has ever given me was the finger.

What is Socialism?

The Poles say its the longest and most painful
of the roads to capitalism.

[quoted by Michael Novak in Forbes]

Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a round the world tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.

The Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, Friends, we are in trouble. The Gods are angry with us. We need to give a sacrifice and I need Three people to sacrifice their lives so that rest of us can be saved.

All of them moved towards the Deck where a Japanese came forward and shouted, Long live Japan, and jumped into the Sea. Then an Israeli Jew stepped forward and said, Hallelujah and dived into the sea. After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other.

Suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted, Jo bole-so-nihal, sat sri akaal, wahe Guruji da khalsa, wahe guruji di fateh, Jai maa Kali, Jai maa Durga, Jai Hanuman, Jai Sri Ram, Jai siva-sankar, Jai baba nanak di, Jai jawan jai kissan, and finally yelled at the top of his voice, Bharat mata ki jai, and kicked the Pakistani standing next to him in the sea.

What did the man say to the toothpaste model after she gave him oral sex?

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. Well he explained By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen. On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself Ill go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. Well he explained By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen. On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself Ill go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. Well he explained, by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying –
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….

Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator cant mow the lawn.

In a small town there were only two churches, one at each end of town; nearly everyone in town attended on or the other every Sunday. The respective pastors got by without cars and either walked or bicycled when getting around town.

One Saturday they happened to meet, one on his bike, the other on foot. Brother, where is your bicycle? asked the first one.

Well, replied the second, Im not sure; either its been stolen, or I rode it somewhere and then forgot and walked back home.

Heres what we can do, said the first. In our sermons tomorrow we will preach on the Ten Commandments, and we will emphasize thou shalt not steal. That way, if someone has taken it or has found it, he will perhaps be moved to return it.

They agreed to do that and went their way. Two days later they met again; the second preacher was on his bike again. Say, brother, said the first, I see that one of our sermons did the trick.

Well, yes, the second responded, It was mine, but not in the way we intended. When I got to thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I left it.