Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.

Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game when were already there?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Un tipo está saliendo de su departamento con una valija y se cruza con otro amigo que está entrando. Éste le pregunta:

¿Adónde vas, te vas de tu casa?

Sí, me voy. Mi suegra me ha tratado muy mal, además, me insultó, me dijo que soy un vago, un borracho, un desgraciado, un ser inservible…

¡Ea, una cosa así no puede ser! Mira, si a mí mi suegra me dice todo eso, yo la mato, la parto en cuatro pedazos y la tiro al río.

¿Y qué cosa crees que llevo en esta valija?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Greta!
Greta who!
Greta job!

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Two [ethnic] guys, Fred and Bob were walking down a street.
They saw a pile of something that sparked their interest.

Looks like shit Bob said.

Yup, yup, looks like shit. Fred answered.

Smell it, see if it smells like shit. Bob told him.

So Fred smells it and says, Yup, smells like shit.

Feel it, see if it feels like shit. Bob said.

Yup, sure feels like shit. Fred answers.

Taste it, maybe it tastes like shit. Bob told Fred.

Yup, yup. Tasted like shit. Fred said.

Well, if it looks like shit, smells like shit,
feels like shit, and tastes like shit, it must be a pile of shit.
Bob concluded.

Im sure glad we didnt step in then.

Yo mama so fat that when she volunteered to clean the cages at the zoo, people walked by and they said, Look at the big hippo!

So you want a day off. Lets take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and Ill be damned if you are going to take that day off!

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away… Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…. Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it…

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, Congratulations, sir. Youre the father of twins!

What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

Wow! Thats incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the

birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, I dont believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job….

What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?
The wrong answer.