Old and New Jokes

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, That parrot repeats everything he hears.

Thats alright, the man replied.

So the man bought the parrot and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.

The cop hollered to his partner, Shoot him down, shoot him down!

Then the parrot said, Shoot him down, shoot him down!

They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.

The man said, Pop it up, pop it up!

The parrot said, Pop it up, pop it up!

They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, Hit a big one, win a prize!

The parrot said, Hit a big one, win a prize!

Then they walked into a church and sat down.

The minister was in the middle of the sermon.

He said, The Lord is above us.

The parrot said, Shoot him down,shoot him down!

The minister said, The devil is below us.

The parrot said, Pop it up, pop it up.

Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.

The parrot said, Hit a big one, win a prize!

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, How bad is it doc? Im going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.

The doc said , Ill have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts.

He whips down his pants and says… Look at this, its still in the CRATE!

Hotel LettersThe following letters were taken from an actual incident between aLondon hotel and one of its guests. The hotel submitted the letters to the London SundayTimes for their humor column….Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little barsof soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the sixunopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in theshower soap dish. They are in my way.Thank you,
S. BermanDear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be backtomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dishas you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of yourKleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I lefttoday which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this issatisfactory.Kathy,
Relief MaidDear Maid, I hope you are my regular maid. ApparentlyKathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I gotback to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under mymedicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my ownbath-size Dial so I wont need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are inmy way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.S. BermanDear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were inyour way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial inthe medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didnt remove the 3 complimentary soaps whichare always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did notobject to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of furtherassistance.Your regular maid,
DottyDear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed methis morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maidservice. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies forany past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can giveit my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.Elaine Carmen
HousekeeperDear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since Ileave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and dont get back before 5:30 or 6PM. Thats thereason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid youassigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars ofhotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on thebath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why areyou doing this to me?S. BermanDear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stopdelivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of furtherassistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,Elaine Carmen,
HousekeeperDear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soapwas taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and hadto call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.S. BermanDear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen,ofyour soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since ourmaids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situationwill be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant ManagerDear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in myroom? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I dont want 54 littlebars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars ofsoap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.S. BermanDear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so Ihad them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so Ipersonally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you aresupposed to receive daily. I dont know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviouslyyour maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camaysplus the 3 daily Camays. I dont know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-sizeDial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.Elaine Carmen
HousekeeperDear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on mylatest soap inventory. As of today I possess: On the shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On the Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, – 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
On the northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room tomake sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her thatstacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill isnot in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, Ihave purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault inorder to avoid further misunderstandings.S. Berman

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?

Sure, replied Jesus. What do I have to do?

Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.

Sounds easy enough. OK.

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, What was it you did for a living?

The old man replied, I was a carpenter.

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. Did you have any family? he asked.

Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.

Jesus leaned forward some more. You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?

Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, Father?

The old man leaned forward and whispered, Pinocchio?

A true story:

The scene:

After a family meal one night, 3 generations of the family are sitting around
chatting. A 4 year old is sitting on her grandfathers knee.

4YO: Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?

G: What?

4YO: Can you make a noise like a frog?

G: Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?

4YO: Well, last night Daddy said that when you croak we can all go to
Disneyland.

Luckily the old man took the comment in good humor.

In answer to an advertisement for tough outdoorsy types, for a mountaineering trip, a frail, little old man appears.

The advertiser asks him, Well, how old are you?

The elderly fellow says, Ninety-two, I think.

The advertiser hesitates, decides to be polite and go along. So he asks, And are you in good health?

The old man says, I have such pain from my arthritis, and bursitis, and phlebitis, you wouldnt believe it.

And have you much mountaineering experience?

Ach, no! Im scared to death of heights! Such vertigo I have.

Have you any outdoors experience at all?

I get outside for five minutes, and I start sneezing my head off with my allergies.

The advertiser finally begins to lose patience with the charade and bursts out, Look, sir, I advertised for experienced mountaineers. Youre quite elderly, in a lot of discomfort, you tell me youre terrified of heights, and have allergies. WHY DID YOU COME HERE?

The little old man leans close to the other fellow, and says, confidingly, I came to tell you, on me you shouldnt count.

One cucumber was telling another my life is miserable, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices me up and puts me in a salad.

The other cucumber said yeah well, my life is worse, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me.

A penis was listening to this conversation and chimes in, my life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my head and makes me do pushups til I puke.

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?

The third man turns to the first two and says, Well, Ill tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.

The first two men were dumbfounded.

Whoa! What happened next?, they asked, inching closer to hear what the third man had to say.

The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, Yep. I had her on her knees. Until she started screaming, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!

Un papá le pregunta al pequeñín:

¿A qué juegas, mhijo

A que soy niña.

Furioso, el papá le pega y vuelve a preguntarle:

A ver, hijo, ¿a qué dices que juegas?

Llorando por la golpiza, el niño responde:

¡A que soy una Totuga Niña!

La mujer de Bonifacio le pregunta:

¿Por qué las mujeres prefieren hablar del amor y los hombres sólo quieren hablar de sexo?

Es que las mujeres nunca dicen lo que piensan, le responde su media naranja.