Reported as a true story:

When youre on reserve with an airline, you fly when they tell you
to fly. Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than refusing
or missing an assigned trip.

This captain gets an A for his creativity in avoiding an assignment.
When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign him to a 5 A.M.
departure, he passed the phone to his wife and said in a voice loud
enough for them to hear on the other end, Here, darling, I think its
someone calling for your husband.

Crew scheduling omitted the usual question and answer period.

From the book Cabin Pressure by Liz Harwell and Corylee Spiro
Copyright 1989 St. Martins Press Reproduced with permission of the authors.
All typos and any inaccuracies are the fault of the submitter,
not Harwell and Spiro.

After their house burned down, Mary Ann, his wife, called the insurance company.

Mary Ann tells the insurance agent, We had that house insured for one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money.

The agent replies, Whoa there, just a minute. It doesnt work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of your house and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.

Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent, Id like to cancel the policy on my husband.

What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an Orange?

Look what Marma-Lade!!

By all the Big Wheels parked on his front lawn!

A guy walking on the street spots a local comedic political news reporter and asks him, why do you make jokes about the government, it is a serious matter?
The reporter replies, I dont make jokes, I just watch the government and report the facts.

5 year old to mother: Mammy, where
do I come from?

Mother: You were found under a
gooseberry bush.

Little Girl: Do many people know
that Daddys impotent?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ottawa!
Ottawa who?
Ottawa know youre telling the truth?

Va marta desesperada al doctor. Ya en la consulta le dice:

¡Doctor, doctor tiene que ayudarme!

Está bien, señora marta ¿qué pasa?

Cada vez que con mi marido vamos a haser el amor, a él le da por chuparme la teta, y al final no follamos nada.

Bueno, para la próxima vez que se acuesten úntese queso en la punta de sus senos, así va a tener un sabor agrio y no va a querer chupar.

Se va Marta a su casa dispuesta a seguir el consejo, pero al otro día llega de nuevo al consultorio y le dice al doctor:

Doctor, mi marido está peor que antes.

¿Pero por qué?

¡Porque ahora además de chuparme la teta viene con leche y galletitas!

Una vez cuando un padre estaba comenzando la misa empezó un terremoto y la gente en la iglesia comenzaron a gritar y el padre les dice:

Hijos míos, recen un Padre nuestro.

Y empezaron: Padre nuestro…

Pero luego la intensidad del terremoto fue mayor y el padre dice:

Hijos míos, recen un Ave María.

Y empezaron: Dios te salve…

Pero por desgracia el terremoto fue aún mayor y comenzaron a caerse las tablas del techo. Y el padre grita:

¡Hijos míos, las tablas!

Y la gente comenzó:

1X1=1, 1X2=2…

Q: Which one of the fishing equipment does a football players use?



A: a tackle box.