These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

87. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, You shouldnt have done that to me.

What do Kurt Cobain and Michelangelo have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery down below to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, shed tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

Who are these from ? she asked the nurse, Theyre very nice but Im a bit confused as to why Ive received them.

Well said the nurse, The first is from the surgeon – the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.

Ahhh, thats really nice said Lucy.

The second is from your husband – hes delighted the operation was such a success that he cant wait to get you home. Apparently itll be the first time hes touched the sides for years and hes very excited!

Brilliant! said Lucy. And the third?

Thats from Eric in the burns unit said the nurse.

He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!

Q: How do you define confusion?

A: Fathers Day in Harlem

Q: Now define utter confuion?

A: A blind lesbian in a fish market.

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Thats an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because thats the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and thats the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because thats the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.

Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horses ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

Q: What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other? A: An air mattress.

Two ghosts were having a conversasion in the graveyard.
the 1st one said yeh insaan log na…..
the other one interupted saying dekho,yeh insaan-vinsaan kuch nahin hota

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers…

~~~~~

My wife and I cant come to the phone right now, but if youll leave your name and number, well get back to you as soon as were finished.

~~~~~

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why were not here. So leave a message.

~~~~~

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didnt lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, dont worry, I have plenty of money.

~~~~~

Hi, Im not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

~~~~~

Hi! Johns answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and Ill stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

~~~~~

Hello, this is Sallys microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so Im stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

~~~~~

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If youre still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

~~~~~

This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and Ill think about returning your call.

~~~~~

Hi. I am probably home. Im just avoiding someone I dont like. Leave me a message, and if I dont call back, its you.

~~~~~

Hi, this is George. Im sorry I cant answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

~~~~~

If you are a burglar, then were probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and cant come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably arent home and its safe to leave us a message.

~~~~~

Youre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

~~~~~

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

~~~~~

Hello, youve reached Jim and Sonya. We cant pick up the phone right now, because were doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right … real slowly. So leave a message, and when were done brushing our teeth, well get back to you.

A young man was talking to God. How long is a million years to You? he asked.

A million years to Me is like a single second to you, God replied.

How much is a million dollars to You? the young man asked.

A million dollars to Me is like a penny to you, God replied.

In that case, the young man ventured, Could I have one of Your pennies?

Certainly, My Son, God replied. Just a second.

Most people assume WWJD is for What would Jesus do?. But the initials really stand for What would Jesus drive?

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses followers are warned not to go up a mountain until the Rams horn sounds a long blast.

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didnt like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. Johns gospel where Christ tells the crowd, For I did not speak of my own Accord…

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that the roar of Moses Triumph is heard in the hills.

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: Joshuas Triumph was heard throughout the land. And, following the Masters lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda … The Apostles were in one Accord.

This material is lifted from copyrighted columns written by Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle and Roy Rivenburg of www.offkilter.org and the Los Angeles Times. Originally published on their Sept. 6, 2000, column, which was syndicated by Creators Syndicate and is available here.