1. You dress the kids up to go to K-mart.
You know the full names of more than three wrestlers.
You drive more than 35 miles with your turn signal on.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than 6 dogs.
Youve ever used lard in bed.
You think potted meat and saltines is an hors doeuvre.
You consider a six pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
More than half your cars dont run.
Your mother doesnt remove the marlboro from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
You honestly believe that women are turned on by animal moises and seductive toungue gestures
Youve ever barbecued spam on the grill.
The primary color on your car is primer.
You have a stuffed possum somewhere in your house.
The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front.
Your diploma includes the words Trucking Institute.
Your wife or mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sporting event.
The most common expression heard at your family reunions is What are you looking at shithead?
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have ever used a weed wacker indoors.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father wants you to quit high school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think that a volvo is part of a womas anatomy.
You prominently display souvenirs from graceland.
You think that beef jerky and moon pies are two major food groups.
Red man chewing tobacco sent you a christmas card.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your wife keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
Your lifetime ambition is to own a fireworks stand.
Your richest relative bought a new house and you had to help take the wheels off.
When asked for your ID you show your belt buckle.
Your junior/senior prom had a daycare center.
You know exactly how many bales of hay your car can hold.
Your dog and wallet are both on chains.
The pink plastic flamingo onyour lawn was not put there as a joke.
Your family tree doesnt fork.
You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams Jr.
The crack in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been there more than a year.
Your passenger side window is a hefty bag.
Your watch band is thicker than any book youve ever read.
You veiw duct tape as a long term investment.
Your dad walks you to school because youre in the same grade.
10. Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.8. The cat is on Valium.7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.3. Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.2. You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.
When watching the Clinton video, did you get the feeling of deja vu – of
watching something that you had just seen in a similar structure?
Well your brain never fails. By reading below, you will see the remarkable
similarities between the Clinton Video and the Titanic Video. Was this just by
coincidence… or much more.
You be the judge.
Titanic vs. Clinton: Incredible Similarities
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe.
TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Roses dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Lets not go there.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monicas forced to return her gifts.
TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clintons approval rating is at 70%.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hilary.
Edwin Land is famous for inventing the Land Camera, also known as the Polaroid – the first instant camera. But he could invent just about anything he turned his mind to. Once his wife, in desperation, asked him to invent something to shut the dogs up! Seems they had two bull misstifs that could raise a terrible racket when they got excited.
So Edwin set his mind to it and invented a speaker that would shout at the dogs when their noise got to an intollerable decibel level. Since his was the only voice they would obey, the recorded message was in his own voice. And it worked; when the voice boomed out, it quieted them instantly.
But, one evening the Lands were having a party and the house was full of guests, really making merry and whooping it up. The noise kept getting louder and louder, until finally a slamming door did it: it reached the decibel level to activate the speaker.
BE QUIET! SIT! And of course all the guests, recognizing the masters voice did, heeding both of the commands: they all shut up and sat down.
I wonder if Edwin could invent a good excuse?
How do you Sink an Irish Battleship?Put it in Water.
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
Ive been here for hours, I cant stop to rest.
This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tommorow Ive got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, Ive got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
Theres a knock at the door and the telephones ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
Ive had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles The eggnog is ready!
He looks all around and with total regret,
says Whats taking so long … arent you through in here yet??
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
and screams MY GOD WOMAN, YOURE GOING INSANE!!
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh shit its the pies!! Theyre burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, Id rather be dead.
Lord, dont get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.
Ill hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesnt work, ILL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
Varias amigas estaban de vacaciones cuando vieron, en un hotel de 5 pisos, un cartel que decÃa:
PROSTÃBULO PARA MUJERES.
Las chicas se emocionaron y, como no estaban con sus novios ni con sus padres, decidieron entrar. El portero, un trolo divino, les explicó el funcionamiento:
Mariposas, tenemos 5 pisos. Vayan subiendo piso por piso hasta donde encuentren lo que buscan y ahà se quedan. Es muy fácil, hay carteles por todos lados
Las mujeres subieron al primer piso y delante de la puerta se encontraron con un aviso que decÃa:
Aquà todos los hombres la tenemos cortita y finita.
Las chicas se rieron y sin dedicarle ni un solo pensamiento a los infelices del primero, subieron al segundo piso. Delante de la puerta habÃa un cartel que avisaba:
Aquà todos los hombres la tenemos larga y finita.
TodavÃa no parecÃa demasiado bueno, asà que se dirigieron al tercer piso a ver si daban con los modelos perfectos. Al llegar leyeron un letrero:
Aquà todos los hombres la tenemos cortita y gruesa.
Esa era otra decepción, pero aún quedaban dos pisos por explorar, asà que no se detuvieron y ascendieron al cuarto. Allà las aguardaba el cartel perfecto:
Aquà todos los hombres la tenemos larga y gruesa.
Todas las mujeres gritaron excitadas y estaban a punto de entrar, cuando se dieron cuenta de que se iban a perder el quinto piso. Subieron velozmente esperando el paraÃso y se encontraron con un aviso que decÃa:
Aquà no hay hombres. Este piso fue construido solamente para demostrar que a las mujeres nada las complace.
Estaban dos borrachitos platicando cuando uno le dice al otro:
Nombre compadre, mi vieja me pega que si por esto que si por lo otro, no, ya no lo soporto.
El otro preocupado le responde:
No compadre, pues tome clases de karate y va ver lo que es bueno mi comadre.
Ya está compadre le dice el otro.
Entonces el borrachito se puso a estudiar karate y después de más de seis meses ya no era borrachito, se puso bien machÃn y acababa de graduarse de tachido guan (lo máximo en artes marciales).
Un dÃa se pone bien borracho y va para su casa y en la esquina ve a unos diez pandilleros y que se la hacen de pedo, nombre, nunca lo hubieran hecho, les puso una madrina a los diez… ya después va bien prendido, tras semejante pelea, llega su casa, tumba la puerta de un patadón al tiempo que grita:
¡¡¡Y YAAAAA…!!!
¿Y YA QUE? pregunta la vieja bien enojada.
N NO, QUE Y YAAA LLEGUE…