Old and New Jokes

Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes.

I can never fool my wife. the first complained. I turn off the cars engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom.

But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone.

You got the wrong technique my friend. his buddy replied. I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say How about a little ?

She always pretends to be asleep!!!

Sex in the dark
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husbands insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp….. only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

Is THIS what youve been using on me for the past 5 years!?!

Honey, let me explain!

Why you sneaky bastard! she screamed. You impotent son of a —

Speaking of sneaky! he interrupted, maybe youd care to explain our 3 kids!!!

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked: Will you buy booze?

The bum said: No.

The man asked Will you gamble it away?

The bum said: No.

Then the man asked: Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesnt drink or gamble?

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, Was it worth the trouble youre in?

Will I be the first to do this to you? he whispered to his bride on their wedding night.

Silly boy, she said. How could I know? You have not told me which position you are going to use!

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs dont have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when youre gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when theyve done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when theyre jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. Dogs understand the word no.

10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to I love you.

* Hallmark would make Sorry, what was your name again? cards.

* If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, shed appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a Nice hustle, youll get em next time would pretty much do it.

* Birth control would come in ale or lager.

* Youd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people youd worked for, like The Lone Ranger.

* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

* Sorry Im late, but I was out getting wasted last night would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and youd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

* Itd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

* Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.

* Tanks would be far easier to rent.

* Garbage would take itself out.

* Instead of beer belly, youd get beer biceps.

* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said Youre #1!

* Valentines Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, youd get the day off to go drinking. Mothers Day, too.

* St. Patricks Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

* But it would be celebrated every month!

* Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

* The victors in any athletic competition would get to eat the losers for lunch.

* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:

Cop: You know how fast you were going?
You: All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.
Cop: Nice one. Thats $10 off.

* Faucets would run Hot, Cold, and 100 proof.

* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation

Women understand that babies do not come from the stork.

When a women is pregnant and craves pickle and mustard sandwich’s, the man groans and wines until they remind him that you are the one having the baby HERE! But when the man craves a six pack, she diligently goes to the store and returns five hours later with a romantic movie.

When women see a caution sign, they carefully avoid it, while men assume that it was meant for someone else, and come home with every bone broken.

Women characterize the first date, by seeing how you act and eat. Men check to see if you can name at least one football, basketball or baseball star.

Women can stand to be wrong, while men make about excuses misunderstanding and some how it is always the womens fault.

When a man attends a concert, he whoops, yells, shrieks and yelps, while gobbling down anything he can get his hands on. While women enjoy the show, dancing and socializing with friends.

When women stay in the bathroom for over 45 seconds, men assume that something is wrong, and walk in to examine the situation.

Women understand about privacy, and wont come in the room until 2 hours have passed.

When in a hospital, women will share all emotions. While men, being the tough guys that they are, will stay calm until someone finally notices that he has wet the chair he is sitting in.

Women love to help. Men feel you want commitment when you ask to do the dishes

Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?

Hes tan, hes cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face.

How to impress a woman:
compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to impress a man:
Show up naked. Bring beer.