THE FEMALE STRESS DIET
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:
Breakfast – I grapefruit, I slice whole-wheat toast, I cup of skim milk.
Lunch – Small portion of lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach, 1 cup of herbal tea, I Tim Tam.
Afternoon Tea – The rest of the packet of Tim Tams, I tub of Tip Top ice cream with chocolate topping, I jar of Nutella.
Dinner – 4 bottles of red wine, 2 loaves of garlic bread, I family size supreme pizza, 3 Snickers bars.
Late Night Snack – Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.
Diet Rules
1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories dont count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, vodka…)
5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Minties, Maltesers, Jaffas and frozen Cokes.
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.
8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.
9. Foods that are the same color have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream, apples and red jelly snakes.
10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.
11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.
12. Food consumed from someone elses plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (Oh, how fat likes to cling!)
And remember: STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS!