A duck walks into a feed store and asks, Got any duck feed?
The clerk tells him, No, we dont have a market for it it so we dont carry it.
The duck says, Okay and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, Got any duck feed?
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, Got any duck feed?
The clerk says, Ive told you twice, we dont have duck feed, weve never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, Ill nail your feet to the floor.
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, Got any nails?
No, comes the reply.
Got any duck feed?
31
Dec
31
Dec
Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer wont be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch and says: My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch.
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.
The customer drinks it down and says, That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch.
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink.
Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.
Angus downs the Scotch and says, Now this is forty-year old Scotch!
The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own: I bet you think youre real smart, slurs the drunk. Here, take a swig of this.
Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.
My God! Angus exclaims. That tastes like piss!
Great guess, says the drunk. Now, how old am I?
31
Dec
A man walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.
Bartender says, You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?
The guy says, Oh, I want them both now. Ive got my best buddy in my pocket here. and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks You mean to say, He can drink that much?
Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some. the man retorted.
So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
Thats amazing says the bartender.
What else can he do, can he walk?
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter. The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock.
Thats amazing, he says, what else can he do? Does he talk?
The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks Talk? Sure *he* talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a Jerk!
31
Dec
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!
The bartender does nothing.
So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.
Jesus! He just jumped again!
The bartender ignores the man.
So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.
How did you survive that jump?..I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float.
So the guy quickly orders a floatie drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and…SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!
The Bartender then says, You know, Superman…you can be a real jerk when youre drunk.
31
Dec
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, How is this possible? The guy says,Tonight Im the designated decoy.
31
Dec
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texans offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?.
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.
31
Dec
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, Give me six double vodka.
The barman says, Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.
Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?
Yeah, my wife!
31
Dec
Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples:
* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.
Guess which has occured?
31
Dec
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You cant teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C: is the root of all directories.
8. Dont put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Dont byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. Theres no place like http://www.home.com.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he wont bother you for weeks.
31
Dec
Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who dont are somehow inferior.
8. Those who dont have it may agree that its neat, but think its not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who dont have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call E-mail Envy.
6. Its more fun when its up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you dont take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason Why e-mail is like a penis.
1. If you play with it too much, youll go blind!