There are a lot of folks that cant understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, heres the answer: Its simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.
Didnt know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.
All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma,
and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
31
Dec
31
Dec
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
31
Dec
A russian was falling from a skyscraper.
At the 40th floor,he was caught by a man:
man1)Say viva America!
russian)Niet!
Than the man letted him fall.At the 30th floor he was caught by another man.
man2)Say viva America!
russian)Niet!
Then the 2nd man droped him too.At the 2th floor hewas caught again.
russian)Viva America!
man3)Booo!@#$%^&*!
And he throwed him out the window.
31
Dec
The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.
She told the students to each take only one treat.
Next to the basket of apples was a sign:
Take only one, God is watching.
As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, Take all you want, Gods watching the apples!
31
Dec
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked –
Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?
Aghast, the man said, are you NUTS?, thats robbery!
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again –
Sir, since you are a bit irate, Ill sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly – you must be crazy pal, now go away!
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy –
Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much.
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
HEY, he snarled, this brownie tastes like crap!!!
It is, replied the salesman. Wanna buy some mouthwash?
31
Dec
Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.
Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, Are you all right? He then put his ear over the mannequins mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, She says she cant feel her legs!
31
Dec
Q: What do you do if someones having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.
31
Dec
Heres one from the Emergency nurses association:
Be an organ donor . . . Unbuckle!
31
Dec
A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine, said the nun, gently patting his hand. We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?
No, Im not, the man whispered hoarsely.
Can you pay in cash? persisted the nun.
Im afraid I cannot, Sister.
Well, do you have any close relatives? the nun essayed.
Just my sister in New York, he volunteered. But shes a spinster nun.
Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters; they are married to God.
Really…wonderful, said Smith. In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!
31
Dec
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs. The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, Ill show you my thighs, and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building theyre passing. See there in the distance. Thats the hospital where I had it done!