Old and New Jokes

A church had a man in the choir who couldnt sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.

Youve got to get that man out of the choir, he said. If you dont, Im going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something.

So the pastor went to the man and suggested, Perhaps you should leave the choir.

Why should I get out of the choir? he asked.

Well, five or six people have told me you cant sing.

Thats nothing, the man snorted. Fifty people have told me that you cant preach!

She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED PERSON.She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.She does not GET YOU EXCITED – She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE – She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich! The panda yells back at the manager, Hey man, Im a PANDA! Look it up!



The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:



A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. If you believe in me enough to give me $50, he said, I will grant you eternal life. Sorry, Im an atheist, the fellow replied, and have never believed in God. God walked up to another man and made the same offer. Well, Im an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not, the guy said, but heres 50 bucks, just in case. As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. Im Pat Robertson and dont really care if youre God or not, he said excitedly. Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and Ill give you $100!

There was a blue fish in a yellow tank, a yellow fish in a red tank, a red fish in a green tank, and a green fish in a blue tank. All the fishes wanted to be back at their own tanks, with their own colors. So, they agreed, to jump out of their bowls and into their matching colored bowls. The bowls were close together, so this wouldnt be too difficult.The blue fish went first. He jumped from the yellow tank, and landed right in the blue tank, where the green fish was also at this point. The yellow fish decided to take the leap next, and from his red tank, he splashed right into his yellow tank. After that, the red fish escaped from his green tank, and splashed back into the red one.The blue fish told the green fish to get moving, back to his home tank. The green fish wasnt as bold, and he turned to the blue fish and said, Can I stay here with you for a little while? The blue fish quickly responded and said, I thought we all agreed on this, you have to go.And plus, wholl keep the algi company?

David Lettermans 10 New Slogans for Exxon:

10. Weve got oil to spare.

9. Exxon: The Eastern Airlines of the sea.

8. Anybody got a tissue?

7. Breathe a word of this to anyone, and well kill you.

6. Keeping your children safe from blood-thirsty marauding walruses.

5. Now sardines automatically come with oil.

4. Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident.

3. If it wasnt for us, American sea gulls would be covered with foreign oil.

2. Ecosystems, schmecosystems.

1. Hey, you try drinking 3 or 4 six-packs and then steering a huge oil tanker!

Now that he has left office, the REAL story can finally be told.

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to use the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldnt remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in. He realized, to his horror, that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinskys office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, Sack my cook.

What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear?

Thanks for the refill.

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, … Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call Teds, or Hales!

He didnt want any advice.