Old and New Jokes

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:

• Our next song is Angels We Have Heard Get High.
• Dont let worry kill you–let the church help.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. Shes used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
• Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
• The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
• The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeares Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildol in his hands.

Sue yelled “you impatient fucker! You lying son of a…”

Bob stopped her and said, “I’m a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?”

7. Thou shalt use the English language properly.

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, I hear sirens. Jump!

The second one said, But were on the 13th floor!

The first one screamed back, This is no time to be superstitious.

Centuries ago when the Seas were ruled by pirates, there was a certain captain. One day this captain was relaxing when the lookout burst into his quarters. Captain, pirate ship off the port bow!

The captain then called for his first mate and said, First mate, bring me my red shirt! The red shirt was brought to him, they went into battle and won.

The next day the lookout again burst into the room and said, Captain, two pirate ships closing fast! Once again the captain called for the first mate and said, First mate, bring me my red shirt! The first mate brought him his red shirt and once again they won the battle.

During the celebration the first-mate asked, Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we go into battle?

The answer is simple. That way, if Im injured, the crew wont know and they wont lose hope.

Just then the lookout burst through the door, Captain, ten ships closing fast!

First mate, bring me my brown pants!

6 razones principales por las cuales Bill Gates quiere ser presidente de los Estados Unidos:

Escuchó decir que alguna agencia gubernamental usaba UNIX.

Piensa que sería agradable ser el presidente de dos grandes negocios.

Su ego necesita inflarse un poco.

Perdió las llaves de su mansión, así que necesita un nuevo lugar para vivir.

Cree que puede usar Microsoft Money para balancear el presupuesto.

Quiere hacer de Windows 95 el sistema operativo oficial en los Estados Unidos.

Its not hard to meet expenses, theyre everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.

Seen it all, done it all, cant remember most of it.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle
of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food
placed within the cooking compartment.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.