Old and New Jokes

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!

The golfer, annoyed, says, What is it?

Its a special golf ball, says the salesman. You can never lose it!

Whattaya mean, scoffs the golfer, you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?

No problem, says the salesman. It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.

Well, what if you hit it into the woods?

Easy, says the salesman. It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.

Okay, says the golfer, impressed. But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?

No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! Im telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!

The golfer buys it at once. Just one question, he says to the salesman. Where did you get it?

I found it.

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: Maxwell Coffeehouse. The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, Satisfaction to the last drop… So the mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: Rothmans. So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE. And the mother was happy.

Then it was the third ones wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: BRITISH AIRWAYS.

The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted.

The ad read: TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of looming retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.

The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year.

The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, Im one of eighteen kids in my family.

The first fellows eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.

The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing. With a big grin he added, My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, Do you want to go to sleep, or what? and my mom would say, What?

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.

Real programmers dont grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they dont know any other language.

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wifes golf ball–stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake.

What did you do? asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!

Informations pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.

Familiarity breeds attempt.