Old and New Jokes

The Pope visits Washington and President Bush takes him for a ride down the Potomac on the presidential yacht. Theyre enjoying themselves when a gust of wind blows the Popes hat (zucchetto) off and out onto the water. The Secret Service begins to launch a boat but Bush waves them off saying, Wait. Ill take care of this.

Bush steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water, walks out a ways and picks up the hat. Back on board, he hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the Washington Post carries the story complete with photos under the heading: BUSH CANT SWIM.

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.



The judge said, You seem like nice young men, and Id like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. Ill see you back in court Monday.





Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,



How did you do over the weekend?



Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.



17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them?



I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.





Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd guy)



Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.



156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that!



Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, This is your asshole before prison….

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

Taipei, Taiwan (AP) – Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further – eat the plate.

Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.

Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.

Diners who dont want to eat the items – which taste like unsalted popcorn – can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.

Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.

You dont think The Simpsons is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?
A: One is far more painful to your ears.

A female student is assigned a thesis on changing trends in feminism. In her research she is shocked to read of a village in Central Africa where, 50 years ago, the women were so inferior to their husbands that they dared only to walk 10 paces behind them. Determined to find out whether the situation had changed she set out to this country and was delighted to see that it had. Leaving the airport she saw that the men were walking not 10 paces, but 100m ahead of their husbands. In her enthusiasm the student catches up with one such lady and asks of her, What great change could have occured which means that you, the woman, can now lead your husband through these paths. The African woman looks at her sadly and replys, land mines.

Youve ever uttered the phrase, Why dont we just bomb the sons of bitches.