Q) What do you do if an Irishman throws a grenade at you ?
A) Take the pin out and throw it back at him.
Q) What if he removes the pin from the grenade.
A) Run before he throws the pin at you.
Q) How do you burn an Irishmans face?
A) Ring him up while he is ironing his clothes? (Hello!)
Brad, these jokes are in good humor, and should not be interpreted to
be in bad taste against the Irish.
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.
Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well.
Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!
Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?
Heres one from the Emergency nurses association:
Be an organ donor … Unbuckle!
A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, Id like 99 condoms please.
With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, 99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!
To which the guy replies, Make it
100.
Dating children.
Chemistry Wonderland
Gases explode, are you listenin
In your rest tube, silver glistens
A beautiful sight, were happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
Gone away, is the buoyancy
Here to stay, is the density
A beautiful sight, were happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
and decide if whats left is nitrate
My partner asks Do we measure it in moles or grams?
and Ill say, Does it matter in the end?
Later on, as we calculate
the amount, of our nitrate
Well face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
walking in a chemistry wonderland.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computers mouse.
¡Lobo, qué orejas más coloradotas tienes!
SÃ…
¡Lobo, qué cara más roja tienes!
SÃ…
¡Lobo, qué hinchadas tienes las venas del cuello!
SÃ…
¡Lobo, qué apretados tienes los dientes!
Caperucita, ¿me quieres dejar cagar en paz?
Un mudo se encuentra jugando bingo. Van diciendo un número, después otro, y asà hasta que gana.
¡Mmmmm!, exclama el mudo desesperado, tratando de llamar la atención.
¡Mmmmm!
Al ver que no le hacen caso, comienza a bajarse la cremallera del pantalón, cuando alguien hombre lo ve y grita:
¡El mudo se la sacó! ¡El mudo se la sacó!
En un pueblo de España vivÃa la Pilarica, famosa por sus andanzas y en donde ya todo el género masculino habÃa gozado de sus caricias practicando el sexo de todas las formas posibles.
En esos dÃas llega por ahà un turista despistado, la conoce en un restaurante tÃpico y la empieza a conquistar formalmente, tratándola como toda una mujer decente, ya que él desconocÃa sus antecedentes de ramera. Al poco tiempo, todo el pueblo se entera de que va haber matrimonio y todos asisten a la boda, más por morbosidad que por otra cosa.
Se celebra la boda, y ese dÃa la pareja decide pasar su primer noche en hotel del pueblo. Todos los lugareños deciden, por malicia, espiar por una ventana del hotel para saber lo que va a hacer la Pilarica ante semejante situación.
Empieza la función y como en la ventana nomás podÃa estar uno solo, éste les va diciendo de uno en uno lo que va pasando:
La está besando.
Y el otro le dice al otro y asà sucesivamente:
La está besando.
La está desvistiendo, y se pasa la voz.
Ya le quitó las pantaletas, le informa el mirón al segundo y éste al tercero y asà hasta llegar al último.
En eso, el novio le dice susurrante a la Pilarica:
¡Te lo voy a hacer por donde nunca te la han hecho!
Y el que está en la ventana empieza a gritar:
¡La va a dejar ciega, la va a dejar ciega!