Old and New Jokes

A: They think someone is taking their picture.

BREAKING NEWS: BUSH SEEKS TO ENJOIN SANTA FROM CHECKING LIST TWICE

Lack of Standards Decried

Austin, TX (Dec. 13)–Attorneys for President-Elect George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit filed in Federal District Court in Austin, asks a federal judge to hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.

There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. Its totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking and re-checking over and over again must stop now, said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all boys named Justin from the nice list, filing them under naughty instead because everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats.

Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, blasted what he called the crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole.

Their security is really awful, really bad, said Bush. My mother just walked right in, told em she was Mrs. Claus. They didnt check her ID or nothing.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now, Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony shes asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to the latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The Rainbow Mush for Justice is scheduled to leave Friday. We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays, Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokeself said he was deeply distressed by news of the pending legal action against him.

Hes losing weight, and he hasnt said Ho Ho Ho for days, said the spokeself.

Experts feel that future Christmas celebrations could be placed in jeopardy. Santa is apparantly not qualified for any other job, and no one is sure what he might do if he loses this battle.

From a Belgian in Canada:

Putting a light coat of icing sugar in someones bed. The very fine stuff. Nice and dry when they go to bed, like glue after a few hours of perspiring…

Stretching saran-wrap (transparent plastic film) over the toilet, BELOW! the ring. Never noticed until too late…

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign and they proposed Hysterias and Posteriors.

The Doctors didnt find it acceptable, and suggested Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

The town didnt like that either and countered with Catatonics and High Colonics.

Thumbs down again, by now the story was in the papers and suggestions began rolling in:

Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.
Minds and Behinds
Lost Souls and Ass-holes
Analysis and Anal Cysts
Queers and Rears
Nuts and Butts
Freaks and Cheeks
Loons and Moons

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on Dr Smith & Dr Jones, Odds & Ends

… and says, hello……………………………………Pint of Bitter PleaseThe barmans starts to pull the pint, and says Why the Long Pause?

I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim Ahead of my legions I invaded her regions I saw, I conquered, I came!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Agnes!
Agnes who?
Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe!

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. What are those knives doing in your car? asked the officer.

I juggle them in my act.

Oh yeah? says the cop. Lets see you do it. So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test theyre making you do now!

Una pulga está tomando sol en la playa, toda bronceada, debajo de una sombrilla, cuando llega otra pulga muerta de frío. La primera le pregunta: Que te pasó?. Resulta que quise venir a la playa a tomar el sol, y me subí en los bigotes de un motociclista que venía para aca, pero casi me muero del frío después de venir todo el camino a 200 km por hora. No seas bruta, tienes que hacer como yo, te escondes en el baño de mujeres, y cuando entra una, te subes a su ropa interior y viajas calentita y segura.

Al otro fin de semana vuelven a encontrarse en la playa las dos pulgas, la primera bronceadísima, y la segunda nuevamente blanca y muerta de frio. ¿Y ahora qué te pasa, no hiciste lo que te dije? Sí, lo hice. Me escondi en el baño de mujeres, llegó una y cuando se bajó la ropa interior, me subí, me acomode ahí muy a gusto y me quede dormida. Entonces, que pasó? No lo sé; cuando me desperté estaba otra vez en los bigotes del motociclista y venía a 200 km/h muriéndome de frío.

La pareja de recién casados está en el hotel más que dispuesta a disfrutar de su primera noche juntos. El tipo, que tiene un miembro descomunal, saca un par de condones y un tarro de crema que coloca cerca de la cama, mientras la esposa, que lo espera en la cama dice:

¡Ay que lindo! ¿Me vas a poner cremita?

Cremita no, mi amor, ¡te voy a poner morada!