Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A: Not everyone has been in a

747.

There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.

So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.

The moral of the story is…When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it
had run a stop sign. May I see your drivers license and registration please?

Whats the problem, officer?

Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.

Oh, come on pal, there wasnt a car within miles of me.

Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways,
and proceed with caution.

You gotta be kidding me!

Its no joke, sir.

Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles,
and proceeded with caution.

Thats beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and
you didnt. Now if I may see your license and…

Youve got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! Whats the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?

Sir, Ill overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration
immediately!

I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a
complete stop.

The police officer had enough, Sir, I can do better than that. He opened the
car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat
him over the head with his nightstick.

Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?

Youre so fat that when you went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.

Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife.

You might be a redneck if…someone yells HO-DOWN and your wife hits the floor.

Dos amigas eran tan íntimas que se contaban todo lo que hacían o dejaban de hacer. Una de ellas se casa y se va de luna de miel. Cuando regresa, la otra le pregunta: Cómo es eso, cuéntame.

La primera vez es horrible, duele como no te imaginas; pero después es riquísimo.

Su amiga, intrigada, le pregunta: ¿Como cuanto duele?

Y empieza a mencionarle distintos tipos de dolores: dolor de cabeza, dolor de estómago, dolor de espalda, y a todos la recien casada respondía que no.

Finalmente la soltera menciona el dolor de muela, y la amiga dice sí, es como el dolor de muela.

¿Por qué como el dolor de muela? pregunta la soltera.

Y la casada le responde: Porque te duele pero no quieres que te la saquen.

Un día, se encuentran Manolo y Venancio en un parque:

Hola, Manolo.

Hola, Venancio.

¿Qué te pasa, hombre, que estás así?

Oh, qué no sabes lo que me ha pasado: mi mujer se ha enfermado de apendicitis y hay que operarla; mi hija se ha roto una pierna al caerse de un árbol, y he visitado al médico y me ha dicho que tengo muy mal los riñones.

¡Hombre, Manolo, que estás mal!

¡Jolines, y lo peor del caso es que me he quedado sin un céntimo!

¿Cómo va a ser, Manolo, un hombre que ahorra tanto como tú?

Sí, pero has de saber que esos dos millones ahorrados son para una emergencia, ¡hombre!

Entra un tipo a una cantina; se para en medio y grita:

¡Ah cuánto cabrón vino!

En eso se paran dos sujetos enormes y malcarados preguntándole:

¿Qué fue lo que dijo, amigo?

No, nada, este… que ¡ah cuánto cabrón vino, cuánta cabrona cerveza y cuánta cabrona botana! ¡Uy, aquí ya no se puede decir nada, porque de volada lo quieren madrear a uno!