Old and New Jokes

El siguiente correo electrónico llegó a mi correo interno en la empresa donde trabajo, proveniente de una afiliada en Estados Unidos:

MESSAGE FROM CORPORATE (Any Corporate)

TO: ALL MEXICAN STAFF

FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES

RE: IMPROPER LANGUAGE USAGE

DATE: NOVEMBER 05, 2001

Several corporate officers have brought to our attention that Mexican staff commonly uses inappropriate language. Such behavior, in addition to violating Company Policy # 23.2, is regarded as highly unprofessional and offensive. Therefore, from this date forward, everyone concerned should immediately adhere to the following rules:

1. Words like carajo, chingada and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion might be.

2. You will not say pendejo or la cagas, when somebody is being reprimanded, or que pendejada or que mamadas son estas when a major mistake or conflict has risen. All forms derived of the verbs, pendejear, mamar or cagar are unsuitable in our environment, for they lead to further confusion and potential disagreement.

3. No Manager, Director, or least Vice-President under any circumstances will be referred to as hijo de su chingada madre, hijo de puta, cabrón or ojete.

4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as falta de huevos, pinche puto or maricón, nor will persons with lack of initiative be referred as culero or pendejo.

5. Unusual creative or original ideas should not be referred to as pinches jaladas.

6. Do not say como chinga or jode if a person is persistent, or está jodido if a colleague is going through a difficult situation, or his or her departments position is untenable or ill-conceived. Furthermore, you must not say que chinga when matters turn complicated.

7. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say vete a la chingada or vete al carajo, do not ever substitute May I help you with ¿qué chingados quieres?. When things get-tough and unacceptable, and statement such as We are going through a difficult time should be used rather than: esto está de la chingada.

8.Performance Management sessions with staff should never be referred to as esto ya mamó.

9.If you make a mistake just say so, and not say ya la cagué or ya me llevó la chingada when your Direct Reports get to know about your mistakes.

10.Under no circumstance should you call our staff members who are approaching retirement as rucos ojetes.

11.When in a hurry never use expressions such as ándale, cabrón or orale, pinches putos.

12. The statement te la pelas should not be used to discourage someone.

13. Nos la pelaron los pinches gringos should not be used to convey the idea of victory in a negotiation.

14. Body language like the one used by Mexican Senator Roque Villanueva is prohibited.

15. When a problem is not your responsibility, you must not say no es mi pedo, for there is not an accurate translation of the statement in our language

Thanks and have a nice day.

What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?



Japanese language lessons for lawyers.

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrows final exam.





Now class, I wont tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family – but thats it, no other excuses whatsoever!





A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?





The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter





When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess youd have to write the exam with your other hand.

A lady went to bed and turned out all the lights. Later she awoke and heard

a crash, instantly she died of shock. What kind of house did she live in?

A LIGHTHOUSE!!!

What do you call a prostitute covered in tattoos?

The Scenic Root.

Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.

Yo momma so stupid when someone asks her to count to 10 she goes one, another one, another one, another one

Why does Michael Jackson put dairly on his nob

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didnt know what Johnnys problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel — they said, because it was bigger.One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you dont know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because its bigger, or what?"Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, theyd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?
The man below says: yes youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.
You must work in Information Technology, says the balloonist.
I do, replies the man. How did you know?
Well says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but its no use to anyone.
The man below says, You must work in Management.
I do replies the balloonist, but how did you know?
Well, says the man, you dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault.