Old and New Jokes

Mother, I cant marry him, moaned the love-stricken girl, Last night he told me he was an atheist and he doesnt believe in hell.

Now you go right ahead and marry him, replied the mother, and between the two of us well show him hes wrong.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day

Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on

Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case youd have to reinstall the engine

Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats

MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads

The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light

Now seats would force everyone to have the same size butt

The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off

Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)

Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car

Youd press the start button to shut off the engine

In my home town of Lowestoft – there is a shop that sells two, rather incompatible products – the shop is called Broadland electronics and aquatics !!!

And I thought that water and electricity didnt mix!

I can just imagine going in for A fish and a TV…

Can anyone beat that?

Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to the

dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of

hearing.

Monica said,I need this dress cleaned.

The man said, Come again?

Monica replied, No, its just mustard.

Definition of eternity? Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.

I stopped at a friends shop the other day and found him stalkin around with a fly swatter.

When I asked if he was gettin any flies, he answered, Yeah, 3 males and 2 females.

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, 3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.



Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.



He kept thinking to himself, Wouldnt it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me? He went back to gathering the snails.



All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no!!! My wifes dinner party!!!



He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where hes been all this time.



He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, Come on guys, were almost there!!

You get a slobbering creature who chews up everything and ignores you totally.

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend. I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know its hot where youre going, but you deserve it."

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

As the man began walking toward the door, his wife asked, Where are you going?

The man replied, Im going to the doctor.

Why? Are you sick? the wife asked.

No, the husband replied. Im going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.

His wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat. The husband turned to her and asked, Where are you going?

The wife replied, Im going to the doctor, too.

Why? asked her husband.

His wife replied, If youre going to start using that rusty old thing again, Im going to get a tetanus shot.