Old and New Jokes

Mans wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder? She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. Where the hell have you been?!?!

Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.

Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!

She sees his hands are covered with powder and… You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!

Taking a phone call in her bedroom, a woman replies, Thats OK honey. No problem. I hope you have a good time. See you later. Then she puts down the receiver.

Who was that?, asks the man lying besides her in bed.

My husband, she replies.

What did he want?

Nothing, he said he would be home late tonight. Hes somewhere shooting pool with you and some other colleagues.

A wife reaches her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him; Doesnt this belong to your secretary?.

Where did you find that?, he stutters.

I didnt, she answers.

The mail man found it on your night-stand.

Q. What do you call a gay bar with no barstools?

A. A fruit stand

Youre so stupid that you got hit by a parked car.

Q. If the world turned into a jacket, where would the black people live?

A. In the hood.

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

A woman driver bumped into a guys car and did a fair amount of damage. The male driver asked why she did it, and she replied, Because I wanted to. Thats all the reason I need.

Then the driver said, You ignorant bitch! Stand in this circle and dont move, then I will mess up your car to teach you a lesson!

He started by hitting it with a bat, but the blonde started laughing, so the driver turned around, and she stopped laughing.

Then he started ripping up the seat, and again she started laughing, so he turned around, at which point the blonde stopped laughing again.

Then he started messing up the whole car then she started laughing again, so the driver finally asked her why she was laughing and she said, Well every time you had your back turned I stepped ouy of the circle, so there!

Yo mama so fat that shes on both sides of the family tree.

A brunette was rowing her boat in a corn field when a blonde girl drives by. The blonde stops and yells to the brunette, You are so stupid! You know, if I could swim, Id come out there and smack some sense into you.