Q: Why were blondes created?
A: Because sheep cant bring beer from the fridge
31
Dec
31
Dec
I heard this a long time ago…
There were once some music fanatics who were fascinated with the works of Ludwig von Beethoven. They listened to, and played everything that he had ever written. Finally, after years of saving, they went to Europe to see where this legend had been buried.
When they got to the cemetary, they found the tomb where his body had been laid. However, one of the fanatics saw that the door was left slightly ajar. They turned to each other, wondering if they should look in, or shut the door. They decided to look in, just out of curiosity.
Upon looking in the tomb, they saw a very strange sight. Beethoven was sitting at a desk, frantically erasing copies of everything he had ever written! Beethoven, sir!, one of them exclaimed, What are you doing?!
Beethoven turned calmly to the group, and answered them. Im decomposing…
31
Dec
Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who tells them they led such good lives they will be permitted to return to earth as anyone they want.The first nun thinks it over and says Id like to return as Sophia Loren.St. Peter says Fine, you can return as Sophia Loren.The second nun thinks and says Id like to be Gina Lollobrigida.St. Peter says No problem, you can return as Gina Lollobrigida.The third nun says I think Id like to be Virginia Pipeline.St. Peter says, Hmmm, I dont think I know of anyone named Virginia Pipeline?At which point the third nun shows him the headline from the morning paper: Virginia Pipeline Laid by 25 Men
31
Dec
A Doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the Doctors drink waiting for him at precisely 5:03 PM.
One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The Doctor came in and took a sip of the drink and exclaimed, This isnt a hazelnut daiquiri!
No, Im sorry, replied the bartender…
Its a hickory daiquiri, Doc.
31
Dec
Q. What do you use if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A. You use Santa Flush.
Q. What do you call Santas helpers?
A. You call them subordinate clauses.
31
Dec
Q: Did you hear about the Polish guy that locked his keys in his car?
A: Took him an hour using a coat hanger to get his family out.
Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.
Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter said she was pregnant?
A: Are you sure its yours?
Q: You go to a cockfight. How can you identify the Polish guy?
A: Hes the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.
In Polands largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage.
People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours!
A 12-year-old boy walks up to his Polish neighbor and says, I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw you and your wife naked! Nyah, nyah, nyah.
The guy answers, The jokes on you, Johnny…
Nyah, nyah, nyah–I wasnt even home last night!
…and finally:
Q: How do you keep a Polak in suspense?
31
Dec
Instructions on how to clean your toilet 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and rinse. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog
31
Dec
A man goes into the doctors office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says I have some bad news. You have HAGS. What is HAGS the man asks.
Its herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis says the doctor.Oh my God says the man. What are you going to do?We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.Is that going to help me says the man.No says the doctor. But its the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door
31
Dec
As told to me by my music teacher….
This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets
off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks Wow, this is cool. He goes to
the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to
a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the
guy cant sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to
the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager Hey! Whats with these
drums. Dont they ever stop? I cant get any sleep.
The manager says, No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums
stop.
Why?
When drums stop… bass solo begins.
31
Dec
Q: What do you give to a man who has everything?
A: Condoms!
Bruce Cantrall Astronautics Technology Center