Old and New Jokes

Two brothers are getting ready for school. One boy is sitting down, having a bowl of Corn Flakes, the other is frantically looking for an item for show-and-tell. I know I put it here somewhere he says. He then remembers that he put it in the kitchen for safe keeping the night before. He dashes for the kitchen and stops at his brother, still eating his cereal. Hey, you found my scab collection.

1.Puppies wont ask you if its the best puppy youve ever had. 2.A puppy always comes to you when you call it. 3.If you show affection for a puppy, it returns it with no strings attached. 4.All you need to do for a puppy to love you forever is feed it and not beat it with heavy blunt objects. 5.Puppies love you unconditionally. 6.Its OK if your PUPPY gets fleas from another puppy. 7.You can put a puppy on a leash and snap it back if it tries to sniff other puppies. 8.Your puppy will never leave you for your roommate, best friend, or someone with bigger breasts/more money/better looks/a better body/etc. 9.Puppies urinating in the front lawn is normal. 10.Puppies dont bite the hand that feeds them. 11.Puppies are easier to train to do simple tasks. 12.A puppy never conspires with other puppies to play with your mind.13.Puppies never leave en masse to check out puppies in the other room. 14.A puppy wont give you a lot of backtalk for no apparent reason. 15.You can train your puppy to do tricks–like play dead all day. 16.If you have a neighbor you dont like, you wont be as embarassed if your PUPPY poops all over his lawn. 17.Puppies dont even pretend to know how to fix whatever they break.18.Puppies wont get jealous of all of your male friends. 19.Neutering your boyfriend, as practical as it may seem, is harder to justify. 20.A PUPPYs face in the toilet bowl is less alarming. 21.Puppies dont leave the toilet seat up. 22.Puppies dont have to show other puppies that its the puppy of its house. 23.Puppies attract men; boyfriends drive them away. 24.Puppies dont do dishes, but at least they attempt to lick their own plate clean. 25.Puppies wont ask Why dont you look like THAT? when watching TV. 26.Puppies actually look attractive with a full body of hair. 27.Puppies dont mind staying home with the kids. 28.Because puppies cant read m

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.

The second cant stand to be bested. Why thats nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And Im still here today.

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Speaking of elephants…

Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity to
experience an elephant for the first time. The first approached the
elephant and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, Ah, an
elephant is like a tree. The second, after exploring the trunk, said,
No, an elephant is like a strong hose. The third, grasping the tail,
said, Fool! An elephant is like a rope! The fourth, playing with an ear,
stated, No, more like a fan. And the fifth, leaning against the animals
side, said, An elephant is like a wall. The five then began to argue
loudly about who had the more accurate perception of the elephant.

The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and stomped
on all of the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing
but bloody lumps of flesh. Walking away, the elephant said, It just goes
to show that you cant depend on first impressions. When I first saw them
I didnt think theyd be any fun at all.

–Unexpurgated form of old Indian
proverb

Paul_FRI_Floriani@cup.portal.com

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?

The blonde said, I want 15 gallons. Im going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive.

The milkman replied, Oh, OK. Pasteurized?

The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said…

No. Just up to my boobs.

The DOTCam – Live webcast of your local Department of Transportation guys actually working for the first time.
You, too, can become a Top5 contributor! Just take this little test!
Mother and daughter to both lose their virginity on the Internet.
Rosie ODonnell adopts kids to steal their kidneys — for dinner!
Defiant Consumers Rip the Tags off of Mattresses, LIVE on the Internet!
Discovery of Adolph Hitlers long-lost Netscape bookmarks
The V2K bug. Every morning, another friggin Viagra joke on your monitor.
Our First A-Bomb / http://www.abomb.india.gov
TWA Flight 800 was shot down by Richard Gere in order to stop the AOL4FREE virus from killing Craig Shergold.
www.ourfirstherpes.com
Raised as a strict vegan, 26 year old Harvey Sunshine Reynolds will enjoy his first taste of thick-sliced bacon, on July 31 at http://www.the-other-white-meat.com
The Drudge Report
Al Sharpton and Jesse Helms to hold an online debate which will be dominated by intelligence and logic.

and Top5s Number 1 Other Internet Hoax………

The Church of Scientology refund website

17. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that its a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.

She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. Shes finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features shed like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:

1. A Yes Ill cook, clean etc. button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.

Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. Youd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesnt work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing–all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.

Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.

More applications that wont run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.

Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.

Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.

Q: How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.