An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, Oh God, Im fucked.

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out, No, you are not fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living crap out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again, Okay. … NOW youre fucked.

Joke donated by The House of Fun

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldnt hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

Yes? replied the teacher.

Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husbands car? She burned her lips on the tailpipe!

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, Look mate, dont ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!

The passenger apologized and said, I didnt realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

The driver replied, Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – Ive been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?

Just pay him for the pizza.

This stretches the bounds of what might be called humor per se, but it
is certainly entertaining, in a chilling sort of way, so I thought I would
share it…

The incidence of coincidence is so prevalent, that it can not be considered coincidence.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Both were shot in the presence of their wives.

The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively.
Lincolns Secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedys Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names have 15 letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater.
To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trial.

What do you think: Mystery or a statistical coincidence?

A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them
through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been? demanded his
wife when he entered the house.
Darling, I cant lie to you. Ive been having an
affair with my secretary and weve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didnt
wake up until eight oclock. The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,You lying bastard! Youve been playing golf!.
The 2nd Affair:Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his palelips
began to move slightly. Becky my darling,
he whispered. Hush my love,
she said. Rest, dont talk. He was insistent. Becky, he said in his tired voice, I have something that I must confess. Theres nothing to confess, replied the weeping Becky, everythings all right,
go to sleep.
No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I …. I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and even your mother!I know, my sweet one whispered Becky, thats why I poisoned you.

Q: What gives milk and has one horn?

A: A milk truck!

Heard this from a friend:

A middle-class man decides to go off and join a monastery which
requires an oath of silence. No speech is allowed except for
two words every 5 years, to sum up ones experiences to the head
monk.

After the first 5 years, the monk asked him what two words described
his experiences and all he said was HARD BEDS.

When the next 5 year period came, the monk asked how things were
and he replied BAD FOOD.

After 5 more years, he walked up to the monk and said, I QUIT!

The monk nodded and muttered Yes, this doesnt surprise me.
Youve been doing nothing but complaining for the past 15 years!

[Ed: Reportedly part of Gary Mulederes act.]

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.

The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.

You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?

No, she replies…. You just happened to catch my eye.

(hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)