Old and New Jokes

Why did the jellybean jump off the cliff ?

Because he wanted to be a smarty!

I resent that remark. said the blonde as she rose from the cafeteria table. Ill give you 5 seconds to take that back.

Oh yeah? snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing was head and shoulders above the blonde. Suppose I dont take it back in five seconds?

Well … stammered the blonde, how much time do you need?

1. If I like it, its mine.

2. If its in my mouth, its mine.

3. If I can take it from you, its mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, its mine.

5. If Im chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.

8. If I saw it first, its mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, its yours.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Button!
Button who?
Button in is not polite!

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family!

Customer: (to bartender)
My wife and I just got into a knock down, drag out fight!

Bartender: What happened?

Customer: When it was all over, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees!

Bartender: Wow! What did she say?

Customer: She said, come out from under that bed right now you coward or Ill kick your butt again!!

Two cowboys are out riding and are ambushed by Indians.

They are taken back to camp and tied up. The chief says to the first man, Death or goomy goomy.

The man not wanting to die said, Goomy goomy.

So the tribe of Indians took the first man and sodomized him repeatedly.

The first man was drug back and tied to his post as his body hung limp.

Then the chief approached the second man, Death or goomy goomy.

Not wanting to go through the ordeal the first man had gone through, he said I shall take death!

The chief stepped back and said, Good, then death it shall be. Death by goomy goomy!

Una madre acude al ginecólogo con sus dos hijas de 13 y 20 años respectivamente.

¿Qué la trae, por la clínica?, pregunta el galeno.

Mis hijas y yo, doctor.

Veamos, cuénteme.

Doctor, mi hija menor tiene los senos duros como limones.

¿Cómo? A ver…

Mire, doctor.

Y le muestra los senos de la niña.

Después de inspeccionar por cinco minutos, el médico expone:

Sí, señora, duritos, duritos, como limoncitos.

Mi hija mayor, también los tiene duritos, como pomelos.

El facultativo rápidamente inspecciona y luego de diez minutos le comunica a la madre:

Sí, señora, duritos, duritos, como pomelos.

¡Y yo, mire mis senos como melones, duritos, duritos!, dice la madre mientras echa fuera sus senos.

El especialista inspecciona a la madre durante medía hora (con los ojos en blanco, el pobre).

Doctor, dígame ¿que podrá ser?

¡No sé, señora…!

Y agitado continúa:

Debe ser un mal de frutas, porque ¡mire como tengo el plátano: durito, durito!

T-shirt in the 21st century – Disco still sucks

The only one who ever got anything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.