Old and New Jokes

I saw my friend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger. When I pointed this out to her she said, I know, I married the wrong man.

heres one for all those who feel tired after a stressful working day…

An executive goes to see his doctor, complaining of feeling worn out all the time due to his long working hours. The doctor asks him a few questions about his lifestyle.

Doc: So, do you and your wife have an active sex-life?

Exec: Yes, doc, twice a day, once in the morning before I go to work and again last thing at night.

Doc: Hmm, and any other love interests?

Exec: Actually, my secretary, twice a day, once at eleven oclock when she brings my mid-morning coffee and again at four oclock when she brings my afternoon tea.

Doc: Hhhhmmmmm, and so you make love a total of four times a day?!

Exec: Actually, I also see my mistress twice a day, at lunch-time and we make love, and I pop round to see her on my way home from work and we make love then, too.

Doc: My God, man, no wonder youre always feeling exhausted! You really must take matters in hand!

Exec: But I do, doc, twice a day…

any resemblances between the characters in this joke and Ralph Halpern are purely coincidental

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.



This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.



The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.



The main replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldnt help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said The Gold Dust Twins are coming, and I had to smile.



Then she moved and sat under a sign that said Sloans Liniment will reduce the swelling and I had to grin.





Then she placed herself under a sign that said Williams Big Stick Did the Trick and I could hardly control myself.



BUT…when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident, I laughed out loud.



Case Dismissed! said the Judge.

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM

Three
men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial
was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same
kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I
brought ten apples." The king then explained
the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or
youll be eaten."
The first apple went in… but on the second one
he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought
to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…
and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and
was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The
first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost
got away with it?" The second one replied, "I
couldnt help it, I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples."

What do you call a cow with no legs? GROUND BEEF!

One fine day, Nate the Snake was slithering through the forest when he came upon a level on a tree. The lever said IF YOU PULL THIS LEVER, THE WORLD WILL END. Now, Nate was a curious fellow, but was smart enough to know not to pull the lever. So, he decided to make it his duty to stand by the lever and warn the other animals that came by of the danger, since he knew most of them werent as smart.
The day wore on, and animal after animal came and went. Each one wanted to pull the lever, but Nate warned them of the danger.
Soon, the day drew to a close, and Nate began slithering toward his home, when an eighteen wheeler sped by, and upset an area of several large boulders that was very close to the tree.
One broke away, and began speeding toward the tree in such a way that it would hit the lever and end the world if it was not stopped. But no large animal was there to help, and Nate knew what he had to do.
Nate curled himself up into a tight little coil in the boulders path, bracing himself. The boulder struck him and killed him, but avoided the lever and the tree, and the world was saved.

This story just goes to show you – Better Nate than lever.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wifes best shoes have steel toes.

Silent Labs

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
Oh, how long will chemistry last?

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorines on his way
Oh, Please Santa bring me an A.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One–but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.