Old and New Jokes

Every hormone hostage knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he
takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that
should be as common as a drivers license in the wallet of
every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: Whats for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be over-reacting?
SAFEST: Heres fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?!?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didnt overdo it today.
SAFEST: Ive always loved you in that robe.

Ya mommas so fat I have to take two trains and a bus just to get on her good side

A drunk man walks into a bar and says, Im gonna take a dump on all of you except for…you! Why me? Because Im gonna wipe my ass with you!

Llegan unos niños a casa de Pepito y tocan la puerta. Abre la mamá y uno de los niños le dice:

Señora, ¿puede salir Pepito a jugar base-ball con nosotros?

La madre hace un gesto de dolor y les responde:

¡Pero ustedes saben que Pepito nació sin manos y sin pies!

Por eso señora… le dice el niño, ¡lo queremos para almohadilla de segunda base!

Una niña le hace la parada a un camión de transporte urbano y le pregunta al chofer:

¿Disculpe, va para el zoológico?

Así es.

¡Que se diviertan!

Pepito ve a su anciana vecina caminar por la calle y exclama:

¡Ah, pero usted tiene dos pies, doña Rufina!

¡Claro que sí, Pepito! ¿Y a qué viene esta observación?

Es que mi papá me dijo que usted tenía un pie en el otro mundo.

En plena borrachera un borracho le dice a otro:

¿En qué se parece una hormiga a un elefante?

El otro le responde: No sé.

En que hormiga se escribe con H.

¿Pero elefante que tiene que ver si elefante no lleva H?

Sí lleva H.

No lleva.

Sí lleva.

¿Y por qué lleva H?

Porque el elefante se llama Humberto.

There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take in their beauty. She noticed the farmer just standing there watching too. She walked up to him asked some questions on raising sheep. She then asked, If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one? The farmer agreed. She guessed, 387. The farmer said that was correct. So, go take your pick on which one you want. She went into the flock and then to her car. The farmer stopped her, and asked, If I can guess what your natural hair color is, can I have my DOG back?

I think therefore I am (not a Democrat…)

Yo mama so dumb she took a fishing rod down the frozen food aisle.