Old and New Jokes

A couple, concerned with speaking of sex in front of their children, decided to rename sex with the words washing machine.

Each time one of the two decided to entice the other, they would say, How about some washing machine, dear?

Well, one night, the husband was feeling quite amorous and asked his wife for a little washing machine, but the wife refused on the grounds of having a headache.

After a while, the wife reconsidered the husbands request thinking of allowing herself to have a headache interrupt their sexual activities. So, the wife awoke her husband and offered to participate in a little washing machine action.

The husband rolled over, facing his wife, and declared, No, thats ok, dear. It was a small load anyway, so I did it out by hand.

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

Louise, he moaned, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?

Even worse, she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face.

Hes an asshole – piss on him!

You did, Louise informed him. And he fired you.

Well, screw him! said John.

I did. Youre back at work on Monday!

On one of his first nights in the White House, Dubya is awakened by the ghost of George Washington. Bush is frightened, but asks: George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Washington advises him: Be honest above all else and set an honorable example, just as I did. This makes Bush uncomfortable, but he manages to get back to sleep. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. Tom, Dubya asks, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Jefferson replies, Throw away your prepared remarks and speak eloquently and extemporaneously from your heart, Jefferson advises. Bush isnt sleeping well at all the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. Its Abraham Lincolns ghost and Dubya thinks finally, a Republican, Ill get some advice that I can use. Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Bush asks hopefully. Abe answers: Go see a play.

Tom and Jeni are having one of their occasional disputes of opinion. Tom took off his pants and threw them at Jeni, yelling, Hey, woman, can you fill these pants up?

Of course not, you jerk. You know I cant. Youre right. You cant. I wear the pants in this family.

So Jeni took off her panties and threw them at Tom, yelling, Hey, jerk, can you get into these panties?

Hell no! Theyre too small and dainty! And you wont either, until you change your treatment of me!

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to the hospital where she gets fixed up.

As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, Youre going to have triplets. Theyre fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Dont worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.

As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, Mommy, Ive done a very weird thing.

Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, I passed a bullet into the toilet.

The woman comforts her and explains all about the incident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. Mommy, Ive done a very bad thing.

The mother says, Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?.

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, Yes. How did you know?.

The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later her son comes up and says, Mommy, Ive done a very bad thing.

The mother says, You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?.

The son replies, No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!

When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the front desk replies, Go ahead.

Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent. I vont to go to India.

Mrs. Cohen, why India? Its filthy, much hotter than New York, its filled to the brim with Indians.

I vont to go to India.

But its a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You cant drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. Youll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, G-d only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?

I vont to go to India.

The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.

Dats OK, Goldie says.

Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words.

Fine, she says.

She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies she is once again reminded: Remember, just three words.

Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostrate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: Sheldon, come home.

A mother was having dinner with her two young children when her three year old daughter asked her why there were two holes in your nose.

Her four year old son quickly responded with, So you can still breath when you pick your nose!

Studies have concluded that the doggie style is the most popular one for married couples. The husband sits up and begs- and the wife rolls over and plays dead

20. Thats weird.
19. Its never done that before.
18. It worked yesterday.
17. How is that possible?
16. It must be a hardware problem.
15. What did you type in wrong that made it crash.
14. There is something wrong with your data.
13. I havent touched that module for a month.
12. You must have the wrong version.
11. Its just a coincidence.
10. I cant test everything!
9. THIS cant be the source of THAT!
8. It works, but it hasnt been officially tested.
7. Somebody has changed my code.
6. Are you sure you dont have a virus in your system?
5. Even though it doesnt work, how does it FEEL?
4. You cant use THAT version on YOUR system.
3. Why do you want to do it that way?
2. Where were you when this program blew up?

   And the number one comment was:

1. I thought sure I fixed that!