Old and New Jokes

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and its effects on a 50 year old executive.

Nonplused she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital.

Pointing to the fine structure she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent. She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.

Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.

She asked him why the seemingly disappointment at such good news and he replied, If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!

Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It permeates the air and putrefies my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place without my consent. I have a pleasure also. I like a beer now and again. The residue from my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on a chair and pissed on your head and clothes without your consent?

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell. Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door. The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms. The priest asks him, "How can you ring the bell?" The man said, "Let me show you." They went up to the bell and the man started hitting the bell with his head. The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, then he goes flying through the window. Two more priests come running and ask, "What happened? Who was that?" The second man said, "I dont know but that face sure rings a bell."

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, Those must be deer tracks! The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks! The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing 10 mins. later when a train hit them!

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said, Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married. He did.

Now kiss me the way you used to…

Now darling, bite me the way you used to.

At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said, Where are you going dear?

To get my teeth, dear, the husband replied.

A friend of mine told me this story about his sister,
a veterinarian, who had to visit the doctor. The doctor asked
her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they
been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

Hey look, Im a vet–I dont need to ask my patients these kind
of questions: I can tell whats wrong just by looking. Why cant you?

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription,
and handed it to her, with the words: There you are. Of course,
if that doesnt work, well have to have you put down.

Last Name: ________________ First Name (select one):
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-JackAge: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouses Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___Number that are yours: ___

Mothers Name: _______________________Fathers Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

__ Total number of vehicles you own
__ Number of vehicles that still crank
__ Number of vehicles in front yard
__ Number of vehicles in back yard
__ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shedModel and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun___ Number of times youve seen a UFO

___ Number of times youve seen Elvis

___ Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)dont know

My mom gave me this dollar. Oh boy!
Then my friend offered me two quarters for it. Two for one. My friend sure is an idiot.

Men have many faults,

Women only two.

Everything the say,

and everything they do.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister,When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home. The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word. Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that shell only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, comfortable. The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?" The brunette explains, My sisters blonde. Shell read it slow.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com