Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, You know sometimes I just forget to eat. Now Ive forgotten my address, my mothers maiden name, and my keys. But Ive never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesnt really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isnt all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, Body, howd you like to go to the six oclock class in vigorous toning? Clear as a bell my body said, listen witch… do it and die!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victorias Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to
the mail box.

She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the
house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to
the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked
her, Is something wrong?

To which she replied, There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps giving me a message saying, YOUVE GOT MAIL!

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriends father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughters chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughters suitors feel even worse.

My motto: wilt them in the living room and theyll stay wilted all night.

So, Ill call out jovially. I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because youre STUPID, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk youd better be delivering a package, because youre sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please dont take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: Im sure youve been told that in todays world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.

Rule six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why dont you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wodden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight, Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka zipped up to her adams apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. Id be embarrassed too–there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that Id have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldnt remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate–ink washes off–and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughters would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the frond door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run throught the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. Dont you remember being that age? she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Some people have died in strange ways…here are a few.

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Attila the Hun:



One of the most notorious villains in history, Attilas army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD–from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire–by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.



How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night



In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

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Tycho Brahe:



An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.



How he died: Didnt get to the bathroom in time



In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition — but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11

days.



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Horace Wells:



Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s



How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide



While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he

wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that hed gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. Hed anaesthetized himself with chloroform

and slashed open his thigh with a razor.



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Francis Bacon:



One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeares plays.



How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken



One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

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Jerome Irving Rodale:



Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of Organic Farming and Gardening magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.



How he died: On the Dick Cavett Show, while discussing the benefits of organic foods.



Rodale, who bragged Im going to live to be 100 unless Im run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver, was only 72 when he appeared on the Dick Cavett Show in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.



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Aeschylus:



A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.



How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head



According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.



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Jim Fixx:



Author of the best selling Complete Book of Running, which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.



How he died: A heart attack….while jogging



Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. Hed only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked….and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.



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And finally theres Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who wrote music for the king of France.



While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.

A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.

REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, Im from the BBC and Im gathering
material for a documentary about the way of life in the
remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you??

SCOTSMAN: Certainly…

REPORTER: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?

SCOTSMAN: Well now theres a story. Yknow I deliver the mail round
here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they dont.

You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built
more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald
the Croftbuilder? No, they dont.

And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
they dont.

But, I tell you, a moments weakness with just ONE sheep ….

Q: What do you call a Highlander with 4 sheep?

A: A pimp

Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?

A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Jokes.

God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things.

The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time.

Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid Eve would like the snakes fruit better than his.

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a traders store and told him, Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.

The trader got the gear together and on top of each ones supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys said Whats that board for?

The trader said, Well, where youre going there are no women and you might need this.

They said No way! Weve sworn off women for life!

The trader said, Well. take the boards with you, and if you dont use them Ill refund your money next year.

Okay, they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the traders store and said: Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.

The trader said Werent you in here last year with a partner?

Yeah said the guy.

Where is he? asked the trader.

I shot him said the guy.

Why?

I caught him in bed with my board.

Two Poles, Markowski and Krachevski go to France on a pleasure trip. They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good pals. Jean Paul finds these two Poles some-what amusing and so he goes all out to make them happy. He treats them at pubs, bars, discotheques.

This goes on for a while until one fine day Jean Paul does not turn up. The Poles assume that some important work would have held him up and do not take a serious note of it. But, perhaps something was serious as Jean Paul does not turn up for next five days.

At this the Poles get alarmed and go to the police station to lodge a report. The inspector asks them to give details of the person whos missing. The following conversation follows:

Markowski: Well, his name is Jean Paul.

Inspector: Its a very common name in France. Something more please.

Krachevski: Well, he is very tall.

Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal.

Markowski: Well, hes got blue eyes.

Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial.

Krachevski: I got it. This is slightly uncommon. Im sure now you

shall be able to track him. You see, Hes got two holes in his ass.

Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, thats curious. Are you sure?

Krachevski: Ya! Ya!

Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info you

have is CORRECT?

Krachevski: Most certainly.

Inspector (still skeptical): But howre you so sure?

Krachevski: Simple. Whenever we used to go with him to the bar, everyone used to greet him as Here comes Jean Paul with the two ass-holes!

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied, Joes mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died. Well, replied the man, she must have had a lot of friends. Nope, said the farmer, we all just want to buy his mule.