Old and New Jokes

Harveys friends all call him the better-luck-next-time inventor. In case youre wondering why, heres a partial list of his inventions:

Preparation G (a soothing rectal ointment).
The Salvation Navy (charitable organization designed to help the needy).
6-Up (a clear, bubbly, soft-drink).
Wolksvagen (a small car Harvey has dubbed the WV).
Whitejack (card game where you try to reach 22 points before going bust).
The Star Bangled Spanner (a song intended to become our National Anthem).
Nice Krispies (breakfast cereal that goes snip, crickle, pip when milk is added.)
Dogsup (tasty condiment for hamburgers, hot-dogs, etc.)
Five-shooter (a five shot revolver).

3 Biggest Software Lies:

The programs fully tested and bugfree.
Were working on the documentation.
Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:

As long as you remember to SAVE your input, youll never lose any
files.
We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
The new machines on order.

3 Biggest Large Company Lies:

We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
People are our greatest resource.
We say let the marketplace decide.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies:

We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
The boss is just one of the guys.
Staying small is a conscious decision.

3 Biggest Marketing Lies:

Immediate delivery?…No problem.
We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
Were going out to lunch to talk business.

3 Biggest Engineering Professors Lies:

Some day this course will come in handy.
These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
This is the way they do it in industry.

3 Biggest Executive Lies:

Money…its just a score card.
If it were up to me, thered be no assigned parking spaces.
You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.

3 Biggest Hardware Lies:

We always design for testablilty.
It worked fine on the proto board.
That would be much easier to implement in software.

What is the difference between a newfie and a bucket of shit…

Answer… The Bucket

yo mama is so fat one time she went whale watching and every whale that saw her started singing we aare family all my brother sisters and me;]

A
man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot
gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl
behind the counter.
"But were not a real bank" replies the
girl. "This is a sperm bank, we dont hold money".
"Dont argue just open the safe or Ill blow
your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe
door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But its full of sperm" the girl replies
nervously.
"Dont argue, just drink it" he says.
She prys off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!"
he demands.
The girl drinks another one.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girls
amazement its her husband…….
"Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?

A1: So they dont shit everywhere when you pull their tits.

A2: So that when you pull their tits, they dont moo.

He used Ark-Hives.(archives)

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

Listen, said the CEO, this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?

Certainly, said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent, excellent! said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. I just need one copy.

Van der Merwe is invited to have lunch with the Queen. While sitting at her table he says to her:

Jis you know Queen you have got such a nice house, and you know Queen your clothes are so nice and you know Queen your food is bakgat!

The Queen gets pissed off with this Queen bit and says to Van. Mr Van der Merwe, you should not be calling me Queen this and Queen that the correct title is Your highness.

Van says, ..jis that is unbelievable, my brothers name is also Johannes and he is also a queen!

Ski season is here!! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

Go to McDonalds and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as its in a snowstorm and youre following an 18 wheeler.

Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

Slam your thumb in a car door. Dont go see a doctor.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until its time for the real thing!