Q: How do you confuse a Polak (polish guy)?

A: Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner.

Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Cad: A man who doesnt tell his wife that hes sterile until shes pregnant.

Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.

Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.

Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesnt do it.

Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles shed never have had if she didnt marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wifes permission to say so.

Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.

Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-laws peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.

Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Spinster: A bachelors wife.

Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldnt have had if youd stayed single in the first place.

Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.

Wedding Ring: The worlds smallest handcuffs.

Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.

Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.

Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.

A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer… and a mop.

– You wonder why singers Sting and Bryan Adams stole wrestlersnames.- You only come out of your room if your theme music is playing.- You go to court dressed like Goldust.- When your boss is pissing you off you kick him and give him a stunner.- You always end a speech with, Thats the bottom line cuz John said so! or If you smellllll what John is cooking!- You wonder why DXs theme music never made the Top 100.- You continue to shove a sock down the throat of your brother-in-law.- If theres one beer left you suggest it should be suspended from the ceiling and the winner has to climb a stepladder to get it.- You give everyone high fives when you walk down a hall.- Whenever you see someone lying on the floor you get the urge to put him in the sharpshooter.- You are not from the U.S but you live there and keep insulting every American you see.- You offer someone money to burn the flag.- You think that Diesel and Kevin Nash look alike.

The efficiency expert concluded his factory lecture with a warning: Dont try these task-organizing tips at home.

Why not? asked a worker.

I did a study of my wifes routine fixing breakfast, explained the lecturer.

She made a lot of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table, and cupboards, often carrying only one item. Hon, I suggested, why dont you try carrying several things at once?

Did it save time?

Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast. Now I do it in seven.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, Lady, I havent eaten in three days.


Force yourself she replied.

You must follow the rules on this one exactly, otherwise it wont work.

Its really scary how this works out. NO CHEATING!!!

First, get a pen and paper.

Second, write the numbers one through six. Example:

1

2

3

4

5

6

Next to number one, write any number …

Next to number two, write the name of anyone to which you are really attracted …

Next to three, write down the first color you can think of …

Next to number four, write the name of your first pet …

Next to number five and six write down the name of a family member …

Remember … No cheating …

Keep scrolling down …

Dont cheat, or youll be upset …

Herere the answers …

The number next to number one show how many times you should be smashed over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that stupid things like this actually mean anything …

The person named next to number two is someone who will never have time to sleep with you because youre stupid enough to waste your time on something like this …

The color you picked means nothing. Its a friggin color for Christsake …

Number four gives you the name of a dead animal …

Numbers five and six represent family members who are embarrassed to be related to you …

Pass this on to everyone you know, so they can feel like a schmuck too.

Q: Why did God create women? A: Because God took one look at men and said I know I can do better than this.

A2: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Why is it that when a teacher tries to eat candy or gum or whatever during the lesson, he/she does his/her best not to be seen eating? Pretending to pick up something, the teacher pop the sweetie in his/her mouth. Or tries to look very busy going through his/her bag/purse and eats a chokolate bar from there.

Come on, people! There are dozens of eyes pointed directly at you! You have no chance of making you business in secrecy! You might as well show whatever you are trying to eat to everyone and then eat it AND enjoy the envy of others. Since nobody brings apples to the teachers anymore, I think are entitled to a few candy bits every now and then.