Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maine!
Maine who?
Maine I come in now please!

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Ever wonder about people who are willing to get off their
ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to
the TV and change the channel manually?

u might b a redneck if ur dadz cell number has nuttin 2 do wit a fone

There are 3 girls, a brunet, a red head, and a blonde they are all in a car and they are going for a bushwalk, so the red head gets out of the car with her drink bottle, the brunet does the same thing, and then the blonde gets out of the car and also takes her drink bottle and she cuts of the door of the car and takes it with her. Then the red head asks her, “Why did you take off the car door?” the blonde replied, “Because, when I get cold I can just wind the window up, and when I get hot I can wind the window down!”.

1. You dress the kids up to go to K-mart.
You know the full names of more than three wrestlers.
You drive more than 35 miles with your turn signal on.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than 6 dogs.
Youve ever used lard in bed.
You think potted meat and saltines is an hors doeuvre.
You consider a six pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
More than half your cars dont run.
Your mother doesnt remove the marlboro from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
You honestly believe that women are turned on by animal moises and seductive toungue gestures
Youve ever barbecued spam on the grill.
The primary color on your car is primer.
You have a stuffed possum somewhere in your house.
The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front.
Your diploma includes the words Trucking Institute.
Your wife or mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sporting event.
The most common expression heard at your family reunions is What are you looking at shithead?
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have ever used a weed wacker indoors.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father wants you to quit high school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think that a volvo is part of a womas anatomy.
You prominently display souvenirs from graceland.
You think that beef jerky and moon pies are two major food groups.
Red man chewing tobacco sent you a christmas card.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your wife keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
Your lifetime ambition is to own a fireworks stand.
Your richest relative bought a new house and you had to help take the wheels off.
When asked for your ID you show your belt buckle.
Your junior/senior prom had a daycare center.
You know exactly how many bales of hay your car can hold.
Your dog and wallet are both on chains.
The pink plastic flamingo onyour lawn was not put there as a joke.
Your family tree doesnt fork.
You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams Jr.
The crack in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been there more than a year.
Your passenger side window is a hefty bag.
Your watch band is thicker than any book youve ever read.
You veiw duct tape as a long term investment.
Your dad walks you to school because youre in the same grade.

10. Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.8. The cat is on Valium.7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.3. Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.2. You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Q: Why do farts smell?

A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.

When watching the Clinton video, did you get the feeling of deja vu – of
watching something that you had just seen in a similar structure?

Well your brain never fails. By reading below, you will see the remarkable
similarities between the Clinton Video and the Titanic Video. Was this just by
coincidence… or much more.

You be the judge.

Titanic vs. Clinton: Incredible Similarities

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.

CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe.

CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.

CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Roses dress gets ruined.

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

CLINTON VIDEO: Lets not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

CLINTON VIDEO: Monicas forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.

CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clintons approval rating is at 70%.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hilary.

Edwin Land is famous for inventing the Land Camera, also known as the Polaroid – the first instant camera. But he could invent just about anything he turned his mind to. Once his wife, in desperation, asked him to invent something to shut the dogs up! Seems they had two bull misstifs that could raise a terrible racket when they got excited.

So Edwin set his mind to it and invented a speaker that would shout at the dogs when their noise got to an intollerable decibel level. Since his was the only voice they would obey, the recorded message was in his own voice. And it worked; when the voice boomed out, it quieted them instantly.

But, one evening the Lands were having a party and the house was full of guests, really making merry and whooping it up. The noise kept getting louder and louder, until finally a slamming door did it: it reached the decibel level to activate the speaker.

BE QUIET! SIT! And of course all the guests, recognizing the masters voice did, heeding both of the commands: they all shut up and sat down.

I wonder if Edwin could invent a good excuse?