You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.

You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.

You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.

You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.

You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.

You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.

As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.

You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”

You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.

Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.

The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.

You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.

You know what Earth Shoes are.

You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.

Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.



As he does he says to the woman: Do you know what Im doing ?



Yes, she says, youre checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

Correct, says the doctor.



He then begins to fondle her breasts. Do you know what Im doing now, he says.

Yes, says the woman, youre checking for any lumps or breast cancer.



Thats right, replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. Do you know, he pants what Im doing now?



Yes, she says. Youre getting herpes.

Youd better watch out,
Youd better not cry,
Youd better not pout;
Im telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone. Hes bugging your room,
Hes reading your mail,
Hes keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesnt get the goods,
Then hell use provocateurs.So–you mustnt assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
Hell kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. You dont have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her youre the boss.The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldnt wait to try the doctors advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wifes face, and growled, From now on, youre taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, Im going out with the boys and youre going to stay home where you belong. And another thing…you know whos going to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?I certainly do, said his wife calmly, The undertaker.

They stare at other peoples feet when they talk.

Year after year Bubbas wife pleaded with him
to take her fishing but he kept telling her
she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him
down, he consented, and early one morning they
took off to the lake.

They had not been there very long when the fish
began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a
fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After
catching their limit, Bubba said,

Martha, sweet thang, Im sorry. Youve been good
luck and Im gonna bring you with me the next time.
If youll mark the spot where we caught all these
fish, well go home.

On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said,
Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all
the fish are so next time Ill know?

Bubba, darlin, I put a big X on the side of
the boat right down closest to the water.

Sweet thang, thats about the dumbest thing I ever
seed you do. Dont you know that wont work? We
may not get the same boat the next time!

One night, a father passed by his sons room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didnt quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his sons door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctors early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God youre here — we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and the boys soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said, You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, Ive been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it.

So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.

The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said, I guess thats my cue! You gonna sneak home again today?

To which our young friend replied, Nah, I better not! I almost got caught yesterday!

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. Its for my husband, she tells the clerk.

Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. He doesnt even know that Im going to shoot him!

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husbands car pull into the driveway.

Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes, she yelled to her lover. And jump out the window. My husbands home early!

I cant jump out the window! came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. Its raining out there!

If my husband catches us in here, hell kill us both! she replied.

Hes got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the towns annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

It wasnt that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude? one asked.

Oh yes he replied, gasping in air. It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while youre running.

Another runner moved alongside. Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?

Oh, yes our friend answered breathlessly. That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. Do you always wear a condom when you run?

Only if its raining.