A grasshopper walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me a drink.

The bartender cant believe his eyes and says, Oh my Gosh, I cant believe this, youre a talking grasshopper!

Do you know we have drink named after you?

The Grasshopper replies, You have a drink named Steve?

One day in Soweto a delivery truck pulls up outside the Mandela house. The driver gets out and unloads al pile of boxes on to the front lawn. At this point Winnie Mandela arrives back from shopping and accosts the driver: What are you doing? What is all this stuff on my garden!

Look lady, says the driver see this paper it say 150 car batteries for Nelson Mandela.

And with that he jumps in his truck and drives off.

The next day The truck again pulls up outside the Mandela house and the driver starts to unload. This time Winnie runs out shouting: What are you doing now?

Lokk lady, It says here 200 brake shoes for Nelson Mandela

But what does my Nelson want with 200 Brake shoes and 150 batteries, take them away! shouts Winnie

No lady I have to leave them or I get the sack, says the driver who has now finished throwing boxes on to the grass, and drives off.

The following day the truck pulls up and starts throwing tyres on to the now packed lawn. Winnie runs out and starts shouting again: What now, Tyres! take all this stuff away this instant!

Look lady, this paperwork say 300 tyres for Nelson Mandela, I have to leave them for him

Show me that paperwork shouts Winnie, and with that she grabs the sheet out of the drivers hand.

You idiot! Shouts Winnie this say 300 tyres for Nissan Main Dealer

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. Theres a

knob called brightness, but it doesnt work.

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

Well, he replied, the pay is good and the hours arent bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.

Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every
word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
Cats look silly on a leash.
When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and
lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in
the first place.
Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they
die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake youve ever
made since the day you were born.
A dog knows when youre sad. And hell try to comfort
you. Cats dont care how you feel, as long as you remember
where the can opener is.
Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead
mouse in your slippers.
When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat
next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or
they wont go at all.
Dogs will come when you call them. And theyll be happy.
Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only
thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or
bugs, preferably ones that look like theyre in pain.
Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will
quietly sneak out the back door.

Santa Singh got his promotion and become an officer in Punjab Government. To keep up with his status, he decided to speak only in English to all his subordinates.

One morning, his peon peeped through the door to see if his boss was busy. Santa Singh noticed him and shouted, Why are you outstanding! Please income.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whisper my favorite words: Ill buy it for you. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you havent fallen asleep yet. Adults are just kids who owe money. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. You! Off my planet! -Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?

With scare spray…

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky!

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.

At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, Wow, unbelievable!

Bill woke up and asked, Whats going on?

Bob said, Ive got to go to the other tent and find my wife.

How come?

To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on Ive ever had in my life!

After a pause, Bill said, Do you want me to come with you?

Hell, no. Why would I want you to do that?

Because thats my dick youre holding.