Old and New Jokes

I dont know who to attribute this to, on the bottom of the sheet Im typing
from it says, Edward C. Mc Manus, Marlborough, Massachusetts –

THE COMPUTER AT STONEHENGE

Strange things are done to be number one
In selling the computer
IBM has their stratagem
Which steadily grows acuter,
And Honeywell competes like Hell,
But the storys missing link
Is the system old at Stonehenge sold
By the firm of Druids, Inc.

The Druids were entrepreneurs,
And they built a granite box
It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
And forecast the equinox
Their price was right, their future bright,
The prototype was sold;
From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
Would ship for Celtic gold.

The movers came to crate the frame;
It weighed a million ton!
The traffic folk thought it a joke
(the wagon wheels just spun);
Theyll nay sell that, the foreman spat,
Just leave the wild weeds grow;
Its Druid-kind, over-designed,
And belly up theyll go.

The man spoke true, and thus to you
A warning from the ages;
Your stock will slip if you cant ship
Whats in your brochures pages.
See if it sells without the bells
And strings that ring and quiver;
Druid repute went down the chute
Because they couldnt deliver.

Bill Kennedy {cbosgd | ihnp4!petro | sun!texsun!rrm}!ssbn!bill

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan

Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man

at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the

bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though,

she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the

amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after

opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills which

amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the banks secretary

to obtain an appointment for the lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the presidents

office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like

to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal

level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a

large amount of money. Was it an inheritance? he asked. No. she

answered. Was it from playing the stock market? No. she

replied.

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old

lady could possibly come into 3 million. I bet. she stated. You

bet? repeated the bank president. As in horses? No. she

replied, I bet people.

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets on different

things with different people. All of a sudden she said, Ill bet

you $25,

000.00 that by 10:00 oclock tomorrow morning, your balls will be

square.

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to

take her up on the bet. He didnt see how he could lose. For the

rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to

stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,

000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to

make sure everything was okay. There was no difference- he looked

the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the

little old lady to come in at 10:00 oclock, humming as he went. He

knew this would be a good day- how often do you get handed $25,

000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 oclock sharp the little old

lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he

inquired as to the mans purpose for being there, she informed him

that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was

this much money involved.

Well, she asked, what about our bet? I dont know how to tell

you this, he replied, but I am the same as Ive always been only

$25,

000.00 richer. The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that

she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was

reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over

and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across

the room banging his head against the wall.

What wrong with him? he inquired. Oh him, she replied, I bet

him $100,

000.00 that by 10:00 oclock this morning that Id have the

president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what hes doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.

"My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the mans friends has died.

"No, no," says the man, "theyre both still alive. Ive just quit drinking."

A few year ago, we invited some friends over for a christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.

I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather. I believe its snowing.

No, it looks to wet to be snow, he said.

The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow …

Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said: Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.

Peace be unto you, your computer and the email you receive this day.

May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.

May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.

May the mail you receive not start with Fw: FW: Fw: Re:Fw:, not contain strangely named attachments and contain a .

May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children you are to be searching for.

May the mail you receive not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating of parts of things that you cant buy at Wal-Mart.

May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.

May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.

May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.

And above all may peace and harmony be yours until tomorrow.

The Pope and The Jew

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy.

If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate.

Rabbi Moishe, however refused, saying it was no use and the Jews might as well start packing.

The people were distraught.

Out of the weeping and wailing, a voice was heard. It was Yakel saying I will do it.

The people said you Yakel? you are just a dumb schmuck. How could you, who cannot even read the Torah, face the pope?

It is either me or move, replied Yakel.

So the people agreed.

However, as Yakel spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Yakel sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Yakel looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Yakel pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Yakel pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Yakel was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He had me beaten and I could not continue.

Meanwhile, the delirious Jewish community was gathered around Yakel.

What happened? they asked.

Well, said Yakel, First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours.

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, Mr. Pope, were staying right here.

And then what? asked a woman.

Who knows? said Yakel. He took out his lunch so I took out mine.

Oy veh…

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their freedom. As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of boys from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, I dont know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize.

From Joyce Lain Kennedys employment column in the Dallas Morning News,
an ad which reportedly appeared in a paper in Fairbanks, Alaska:

Part-time engineering or business student to follow illiterate steel
comp. superintendent and do his paperwork. This man is too valuable to
fire and too old to teach. Extremely patient person required.
Should be over 19 years old as duties may require going into local
bars. Applicants should be ugly and mean.

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.

Hungry, Seymour? the Lord asked.

I could eat, said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour again said, I could eat. Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, Lord, I am very happy to be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just dont understand.

To be honest, Seymour, the Lord said, for just two people, does it pay to cook?

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?

A: Alone.