Old and New Jokes

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when youre out of the office?

I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill.

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Why are politicians proof of reincarnation? You just cant get that screwed up in one lifetime.

You might be a redneck if you refuse to slide during a softball game because you dont want to crush your cigarettes!

There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, So what do you think of mad cow disease? The other replies, I dunno, Im a chicken.

Post a message asking how to post messages.Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of Geek Code, 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as ** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? **Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune for a poll.Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the two-strings-go-in-a-bar joke.Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesnt yet have its own sex group.Post your new War Heroes of India FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.Start this weeks new AOL virus rumor.Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible micro chips in your genitals.Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few MAKE MONEY FAST posts.Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word imbecile in your followup flames.Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you dont read the group.Inform the readers of the sex groups that theyre going straight to hell, and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncles ex-girlfri

A young Jewish college girl answers the door for her date. She brings him into the living room to meet her parents.

“Mom, Dad, this is Angelo. We’ll be home early,” she says.

Her mother looks at the young man disapprovingly, discerning from his name that he is not Jewish.

When the girl finally returns home, her mom quizzes her immediately, “Tell me, Anna, was that boy Jewish?”

“No Mom, he’s not,” replies the girl cautiously, sensing that a battle is about to begin.

Momentary silence from the mom. “Well — is he pre-med?”

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way hes going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people arent too bright and change his phony money for real cash.

He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, Do you have change for a $15 bill?

The old man replies, I sure do … How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?

There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.

Well the first guy says, I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.

Well the second guy says, Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.

Well the third guy says, Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.

Well the fourth guys clearly states, Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.

The other three guys say really? Whys that?

And the fourth guys says, Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didnt know what to do … so I shit my pants!

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

Doctor, she asks nervously, can you get pregnant from anal sex?

Certainly, replies the doctor, Where do you think lawyers come from!

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

He started chasing after the speeder .

When he got close hes saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

The cop yelled, Pull over!

The blonde shouted back, No! Its a sweater!