Old and New Jokes

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it
had run a stop sign. May I see your drivers license and registration please?

Whats the problem, officer?

Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.

Oh, come on pal, there wasnt a car within miles of me.

Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways,
and proceed with caution.

You gotta be kidding me!

Its no joke, sir.

Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles,
and proceeded with caution.

Thats beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and
you didnt. Now if I may see your license and…

Youve got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! Whats the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?

Sir, Ill overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration
immediately!

I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a
complete stop.

The police officer had enough, Sir, I can do better than that. He opened the
car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat
him over the head with his nightstick.

Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?

Youre so fat that when you went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.

Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.

You might be a redneck if…someone yells HO-DOWN and your wife hits the floor.

Dos amigas eran tan íntimas que se contaban todo lo que hacían o dejaban de hacer. Una de ellas se casa y se va de luna de miel. Cuando regresa, la otra le pregunta: Cómo es eso, cuéntame.

La primera vez es horrible, duele como no te imaginas; pero después es riquísimo.

Su amiga, intrigada, le pregunta: ¿Como cuanto duele?

Y empieza a mencionarle distintos tipos de dolores: dolor de cabeza, dolor de estómago, dolor de espalda, y a todos la recien casada respondía que no.

Finalmente la soltera menciona el dolor de muela, y la amiga dice sí, es como el dolor de muela.

¿Por qué como el dolor de muela? pregunta la soltera.

Y la casada le responde: Porque te duele pero no quieres que te la saquen.

Un día, se encuentran Manolo y Venancio en un parque:

Hola, Manolo.

Hola, Venancio.

¿Qué te pasa, hombre, que estás así?

Oh, qué no sabes lo que me ha pasado: mi mujer se ha enfermado de apendicitis y hay que operarla; mi hija se ha roto una pierna al caerse de un árbol, y he visitado al médico y me ha dicho que tengo muy mal los riñones.

¡Hombre, Manolo, que estás mal!

¡Jolines, y lo peor del caso es que me he quedado sin un céntimo!

¿Cómo va a ser, Manolo, un hombre que ahorra tanto como tú?

Sí, pero has de saber que esos dos millones ahorrados son para una emergencia, ¡hombre!

Entra un tipo a una cantina; se para en medio y grita:

¡Ah cuánto cabrón vino!

En eso se paran dos sujetos enormes y malcarados preguntándole:

¿Qué fue lo que dijo, amigo?

No, nada, este… que ¡ah cuánto cabrón vino, cuánta cabrona cerveza y cuánta cabrona botana! ¡Uy, aquí ya no se puede decir nada, porque de volada lo quieren madrear a uno!

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)

Best Place in Town to take a Leak



Sign over a gynecologists office

Dr. Jones, at your cervix.



On a Plumbers truck:

We repair what your husband tried to fix.



On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:

Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.



Pizza shop slogan:

7 days without pizza makes one weak.



At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

Invite us to your next blowout



Door of a plastic surgeons office:

Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it



At a laundry shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.

Would that be satisfactory?



At a towing company:

We dont charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.



On an electricians truck

Let us remove your shorts.



In a non-smoking area:

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.



On a maternity room door:

Push. Push. Push.



At an optometrists office:

If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.



On a taxidermists window:

We really know our stuff.



In a podiatrists office:

Time wounds all heels.



On a fence:

Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.



At a car dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.



Outside a muffler shop:

No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.



In a veterinarians waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!



At the electric company:

We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.

Q. why did michle jackson get food poisoning

A. he ate a 10 yr. old weiner

Whats the chilliest ground in the premiership?
Cold Trafford!

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!

Why didnt the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!