In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil, Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew Kiki Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Faggot, our gerbil, in, he explained. As usual, Kiki shouted out Armageddon, my cue that hed had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldnt come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewskis hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbils fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball. Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
Anonymous response:
Ok, heres the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story:
I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . . Ouch!!!
So I peered into the tube . . . Aaaaaahhhhhhh. Im sorry, but thats like looking through a telescope into Hell. Id rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guys ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someones ass. Im just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kikis tunnel of love.
People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just cant imagine looking at a doctor and saying Well doc, its like this. See we have this gerbil named Faggot and we took this cardboard tube…
First and second degree burns to the anus. Wouldnt this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy shit after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of Gods green earth.
People named Kiki which is obviously a Polynesian word for Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts.
What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? Im starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean…
And ram was the cousin of a goat….
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2 floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
youd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spiders home
and a virus was the flu
I guess Ill stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
YOUR MOM IS SO POOR YOU WALKED INTO HER HOUE AND STEPED ON A SKATEBOARD AND SHE SAID GET OFF OF MY TRANSPORTAION
An Italian, Jew, and a Polack are steel workers who always eat lunch together on the 30th floor on their curent job.
The italian opens up his sandwich and its salami and says After today if I get another salami sandwich I am jumping off this beam.
The jew opens up his sandwich and its corned beef and says After today if I get another corned beef sandwich I am jumping off this beam.
The polack opens up his sandwich and its kielbasi and says After today if I get another kielbasi sandwich I am jumping off this beam.
The next day they meet for lunch.
The italian opens up his sandwich and it cappicola and says Wow, I am very happy!
The jew opens up his sandwich and it pastrami and says Wow, I am very happy!
The polack opens up his sandwich and its kielbasi again and says Thats it I have had it! and jumps off the beam and splatters all over the sidewalk.
The jew turns to the italian and says I dont get it… He makes his own lunch!
Windows Problem
Im wondering if anybody can help me with a problem Im having on my
computer at work. I recently upgraded to Windows 95 from Windows 3.1416,
and Ive noticed that when I running WordWanker Version 2.0.9.4 (which I
upgraded from 1.8.4.7) in conjunction with FaxBuddy! Version
4.2.4.3.7857, everything works fine for about the first 25 minutes, but
then if I try to type a subordinating conjunction followed by any form of
the verb foment, the keyboard locks up permanently and the hard drive
makes a whimpering sound and all current data is erased, including data
in computers several cubicles away. I have tried everything, including
reformatting my hard drive and exorcism. Please help!
Reply To: Windows Problem
I had exactly the same problem, and after a lot of trial and error I
found out that if you click on the Windows Control Panel, then on Command
Center, then on Reset Variables, then on Establish New Parameters, then
on Define Standards, then on Modify Criteria, then on Effectuate
Paradigms, then on the little icon that says Do Not Ever Click On This
Little Icon, then go down to the box that says Enter New Value, and type
in 2038, you will still have the same problem. This is why I started
using heroin.
An Italian bus driver and a priest were sitting in the waiting room at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted into Heaven.
After a while, St Peter came and called in the bus driver.
Immediately the priest jumped up and ran over to St Peter, saying, Surely it cant be right that hes going in before me?
Well, said St Peter, wasnt it the case that when you preached in the church, people mostly sat and slept? But when the bus driver drove on those roads in Rome, all the passengers sat up and shouted, Oh God! Oh God!
The angry preacher…
The preacher rose with a red face. Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!
No one moved.
The preacher continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a
747.
There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.
There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.
There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.
There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.
There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.
So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.
The moral of the story is…When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.