Old and New Jokes

What is the definition of a hillbilly virgin?

An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.

There was an opening with the CIA as an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three men but only one position was available.

So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances, they explained.
Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The man got a shocked look on his face and said,
You cant be serious! I could never shoot my own wife.

Well, says the CIA man, youre definitely not the right man for the job then.

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, they explained to the second man.
Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her’

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, and then the door opened and the man came out with tears in his eyes.

I tried to shoot her but I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job.

No, the CIA man replied, you dont have what it takes. Take your wife and get the hell home.

Now the CIA are down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door of the same room and give him the same gun.
We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, take this gun and kill her.

The third man took the gun and opened the door and before the door had even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said,

You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with f***ing blanks. I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair.

Q: What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night?

A: Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator, he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake.

The new Mens Thesaurus – on sale now at your local book stores!:

IM GOING FISHING

Means: Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

ITS A GUY THING

Means: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?

Means: Why isnt it already on the table?

UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR…

Means: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response.

IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN

Means: I have no idea how it works.

I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. ITS JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.

Means: I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.

TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOURE WORKING TOO HARD.

Means: I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

THATS INTERESTING, DEAR.

Means: Are you still talking?

YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.

Means: I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.

Means: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

OH, DONT FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, ITS NO BIG DEAL.

Means: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that Im hurt.

HEY, IVE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT IM DOING.

Means: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I CANT FIND IT.

Means: It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely

clueless.

WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?

Means: What did you catch me at?

I HEARD YOU.

I havent the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.

Means: I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.

Means: Please dont try on one more outfit, Im starving.

IM NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.

Means: No one will ever see us alive again.

WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.

Means: I make the messes, she cleans them up.

A man traveling by airplane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he used the attendants LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of NOT listening to a women, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of warm water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice. So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature warm air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

Aha, he thought, no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services! So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable powder puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Remover button.

By the way, your penis is under your pillow.

A habby baby.

Q: Why dont mexicans and blacks have children together?

A: Theyre afraid the kids will grow up too lazy to steal.

I read in UPI that Americas biggest plumbing maker is marketing a product that could save countless marriages. Its called the Peacekeeper – a toilet that wont flush unless the seat is down.

We saw it as an opportunity to solve a few disputes in the home, said Nancy Deptolla, spokeswoman for Kohler Co. of Kohler, Wis.

The women say, Whereve you been. Men laugh and say, My wife would appreciate that, said Carol Erwin, media director for Kohler.

My husband, my kids, and I were on vacation in a quaint resort town. There was a local there who gave carriage rides to sightseers. He had his horse parked outside the ice cream parlor as I was exiting with my husband and my four old daughter.

Now, I am embarrassed to say this, but this horse was experiencing an erection, and my daughter was fascinated.

As a bunch of tourists gathered around the horse, feeding and petting him, my daughter yelled out, Daddy! This horse has a penis – like you!

I was mortified until I noticed that the women in the crown seemed to be staring at me with envy.