Old and New Jokes

Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe.

Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the dropping of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album out and Oprah Winfrey has not died yet. This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the Allies to undermine the unswerving religious fanaticism that fuels the Talibans fighting spirit.

Pentagon sources have recently confirmed rumours that America has already sent in a 200-foot-tall robot Jesus, which roams the Taliban front lines glowing eerily and shooting flames out of its fingers while saying, I am the way, the truth and the life, follow me or die.

However, plans to have the giant Christ kick the crap out of an effeminate 80-foot Mohammed in central Kabul were discarded as insensitive to Muslim allies.

Un tipo va al motel con su novia y ve en el estacionamiento el auto de su mejor amigo. Era mediodía y el amigo debería estar trabajando. Para hacerle una broma, le quita un tapón de una de las llantas del coche y se lo lleva.

Esa misma noche va a casa de su amigo, toca el timbre y dice:

¡Mira lo que tengo!

Sí, le contesta el amigo, el tapón de la llanta del coche ¿De dónde lo sacaste?

Bajando sensiblemente el tono de voz el tipo le replica:

No te hagas pendejo. ¿Qué hacías hoy al mediodía en el motel?

El amigo se queda un instante callado, gira hacia adentro de la casa y grita:

¡Querida… acá está el tapón que te robaron hoy en el supermercado!

Muere James Bond y llega al Cielo con San Pedro:

¿Cuál es tu nombre, hijo?

Soy Bond, James Bond.

Sí, a huevo, eso dicen todos los que llegan, pero aquí lo tienes que demostrar.

¿Qué desea que haga?

Mira, déjame aquí en la puerta una identificación y pásale a buscar a Adán; si lo traes, quiere decir que en realidad eres James Bond.

Pasan unos minutos y éste llega con Adán de la mano.

Bueno, aquí tiene a Adán.

¿Cómo lo encontraste entre tantos?, le pregunta San Pedro sorprendido.

Muy fácil, sólo busqué al único hombre que no tiene ombligo, le responde con su típica flema inglesa.

Tienes razón, fue muy sencillo, por lo cual no cuenta.

Entonces, San Pedro pone un parche a todo mundo en el ombligo y le dice a Bond que no se los puede quitar para identificarlos; regresa a Adán al Cielo y lo mezcla entre la gente. Entonces manda a Bond a buscarlo.

A los pocos minutos llega Bond con Adán:

Aquí está de nuevo.

¡Puta, hijo! ¿Cómo le hiciste?

Fue muy sencillo, busqué a quien le faltaba una costilla y ese solamente es Adán.

Tienes razón, fue muy sencillo… es más, no cuenta.

Entonces, San Pedro convierte en momias a todos los habitantes del Cielo, incluyendo a Adán, y los mete en un cuarto en el que únicamente se podían ver siluetas por la falta de luz.

Entra Bond a buscarlo; se cierra la puerta del cuarto y se comienza a escuchar un gran alboroto.

Sale James Bond ensangrentado y golpeado en todo el cuerpo, pero con Adán a un lado.

Aquí está Adán de nuevo, ¿ahora sí puedo pasar?

¡Claro, hijo, el Cielo es tuyo! Nada más dime: ¿cómo le hiciste para encontrarlo?

Muy fácil, entré al cuarto y le dije a el todo mundo: ¡Vayan y chinguen a su madre! El único que no brincó a golpearme fue él.

Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!

What is the bank managers favourite type of football?
Fiver side!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

Q: What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box?
A: A case of empties.

The last two minutes of a football game.

Dolly Parton and Princess Di both died, and found themselves at the pearly
gates.

Dolly Parton knocked, and in a moment, Saint Peter arrived.
He looked at them both, and told them that he could only let one in,
because heaven was getting a little crowded.
So, he gave them both one chance to convince him to let them in.

Dolly Parton lifted up her top, and showed Saint Peter the biggest and
most impressive set of tits hed ever seen.

Princess Di thought for a while on how to top that one, then all of a
sudden, squatted by Saint Peter and pissed on his feet.

He said nothing, but opened the gates and let Princess Di through.

Dolly was pissed off about this, and screamed Ã’Why did you let her in?
I just showed you the most impressive tits youÕve ever seen, and she
just pissed on your feet?!Ó
to which he replied A royal flush always beats two of a kind.

Q. Why was the blonde smiling during the lighting storm.

A. She thought she was getting her picture taken.

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!

WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out 🙂

1: Reply to everything someone says with, thats what YOU think!

2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.

(This one is especially useful if youre having a yard sale!)

3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask – are you sure?

(Not recommended at Biker Bars)

4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying blah, blah, blah, blah.

5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)

6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, its gone now. If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast 🙂

7: Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TVs so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what youre doing, insist that you like it that way.

8: Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:

A: They flip you off – plus 20 points.

B: They wave at you – minus 10 points.

C: No reaction or blank stare – minus 10 points.

D: They trip or run into something while staring – plus 25 points.

Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.