Old and New Jokes

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Jeffs arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. Where is my friend Mike? Jeff asked. St. Peters replies, Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven. Jeff was bothered by this and asked, Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK? So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer. I dont mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell. says Jeff.Its not as it appears to be. says St. Peter. You
see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesnt.

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

7. He never had to shovel snow!

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasnt normal.

9. There was no standard weight and height tables – and the word FAT meant good.

10. When God asked Adam, where are you? He replied, The woman you gave me was reading the map.

The best joke ever

Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wifes best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

I once knew a blonde who sold her car for gas money.

Un mensajero toca la puerta de la casa de Bonifacio. El hijo de éste abre.

Buenos días. Busco al señor Bonifacio Pérez de parte de Cobros Atrasados, S.A..

Mi papá no está, dice el muchacho.

¿Y tu mamá?

Ella también está escondida.

Los recién casados se hospedan en un hotel de lujo de Cancún. El esposo es un empresario, dueño de talleres de reparación de llantas.

Llegando a la habitación del hotel, él se dirige al baño y llena la bañera. Sale a la habitación, desnuda a la esposa, la toma en brazos y se dirige con ella al baño, introduciéndola en la bañera, y al mismo tiempo le dice:

¡Si te salen burbujas de aire, te mato!

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.



Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the ministers room and yelled, father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me … and he took a step forward!



The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Wheres this man now?



The Choirboy replies…

flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain!