Old and New Jokes

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They like a tight seal.

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Programmers

DOCTORS

Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so dont expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, hell run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. Hell wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.



This is not a problem with your programmer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely hell ever meet another woman in his profession.



LAWYER

Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?



Once again, this is not a problem with your programmer spouse. He doesnt have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.



SALESMAN

See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc, where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Dont be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show.



The company that your programmer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.



HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.

Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc, just about the time you are at your sexual peak.



The only hazards that your programmer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp. And when you ask Honey, were you looking at her? hell honestly be able to say that he didnt even see her.



TEACHER

The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. Hell be in jail soon, and then youll have to look for another man.

Q. What do you call two irish homosexuals

A. Gerald Fitz-patrick and Patrick Fitz-gerald

Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.

Everything takes longer than you think.

A man should be greater than some of his parts.

There is nothing wrong with you that couldnt be cured by cosmetic surgery.

Agree with me now:

it will save so much time.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

Income tax examiner: Whats your husbands average income?

Wife: Oh, about midnight.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, she said.

What do you mean? he asked.

Well, everyone kept yelling, Get the quarter back!