Old and New Jokes

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?

To prepare them for the bill!

Rumors have been circulating regarding what the troopers were shouting after they found the man hiding Elian Gonzalez in a closet during the raid of the house that was illegally holding him.

Some people claim they were shouting,Bingo!Bingo!Bingo! Others claim it was Score!Score!Score!

But the real truth is, when the trooper ripped open the closet door and was brought face to face with the fisherman holding Elian, he shouted, Drop the chalupa!

The following are actual statements found on Insurance Forms where car drivers attempted to summuarise the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instance of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wifes face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave away causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I havent misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year.  The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.  Have a nice dak!!!

Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.I havent spoken to my wife for 18 months. I dont like to interrupt her.The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, Whats on the TV? I said, Dust!In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?
Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?
What did he say? Bush asked.
He said, thats me, so I hired him. Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. Thanks, Mikhail. Thats a great idea. As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.
Dan, he said, Ive got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother? Quayle looked rather puzzled. Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President? He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldnt get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, Ill ask Jim Baker. Hes a smart guy. Quayle called Baker on the phone.
Jim, Ive got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?
That would be me, Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.
Thanks, Jim. Youve helped me out big time. He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. Mr. President, I have the answer!
Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?
Its Jim Baker! said Quayle.
No, said Bush. Its Shevardnadze.

Fission shmission, relax, Ill increase the water level after my coffee break.
Was that Open valve A and close valve B or was it the other way round?
This whole plant will be running under Win95 tomorrow.
HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?
Who forgot to pay the water bill???
We got 12 seconds to WHAT???
Meet your new plan superintendent: Bozo the clown.
A leak? Cant you fix it with duct tape or something?
Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.
Its Russian technology.
Move over Three Mile Island – here we come!!!
Sniff, sniff … you smell that?
I used to work at Chernobyl.
All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!
Its your turn to wax the core.
How come all the big shots are leaving?
Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?
Is this part really necessary?
OF COURSE I went to high school. Didnt finish it, though.
Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.

Um, well….

Three prisoners attempt an escape from Alcatraz, but are caught
and must be punished.

Prison Guard: OK, the governor has prescribed punishment of three
lashes each, but you may have on your back the covering
of your choice. Jenkins, you first. What ya want on
your back?

Jenkins: Oil.

PG: OK, then. Slop it on. Good. Now… ONE!

Jenkins: AAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!

PG: TWO!

Jenkins: Oh GOD! MERCY! MERCY!

PG: THREE!

Jenkins: AAAARRRghhhhh (faints)

PG: Next, you Baxter, what do you want on your back?

Baxter (extra tough macho type of guy): Nothing.

PG: Have it your way… ONE!

Baxter: Didnt feel it.

PG: TWO!

Baxter: Ha, ha, ha!

PG: THREE!

Baxter: No sweat.

PG: Finally you, Goldstein. What you want on your back?

Goldstein: Ill have Baxter.

(From an album of Jewish humour heard years ago.)

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, I have some very bad news for you. Im afraid that youre afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease.

So the guy asks, Well isnt there ANYTHING I can do, doc?

Hmmm… maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths. The doctor tells the patient.

Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?

Probably not… but at least youll get used to being covered in dirt!

There were 3 blondes who found a jeanie. He granted each of them a wish. The first wished she was 50% smarter – poof shes a BRUNETTE, the second wished she was 25% smarter – poof shes a REDHEAD, the third wished she was 50% dumber – poof shes a BLOND MAN.