Old and New Jokes

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.

2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.

3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.

4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you dont like.

5. After everything he says, say, And how does that make you feel?

6. Point at random things and say, Where did you get that?

7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.

8. Repeat over and over, Im not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!

9. Sit underneath your chair.

10. Stand on your head.

11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.

12. Never stop smiling.

13. Scream every word.

14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc…

15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.

16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.

17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.

18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.

19. Eat his books.

20. Talk to his leg.

21. Dont face him when he talks to you.

22. Talk really slowly.

23. Try to eat your hand.

24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.

25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.

26. Pretend you hear music.

27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.

28. Pretend to drink.

29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

One of Microsofts finest support techs was drafted and sent to boot
camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle,
and bullets.

He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target
area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The Microsoft
tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at
the rifle again, and then at the target again.

He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the
trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off,
whereupon he yelled toward the target area: Its leaving here just
fine. The trouble must be at your end!

Its Colonel Smiths first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, What about that little stable over there? Whats that for?

Well, says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, you may have noticed there arent any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can —

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerks desk one Saturday afternoon. Tell me, the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, is the camel free this afternoon?

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. How about I schedule you in for 2:00?

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as hes nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldnt it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?

Question: Do you know the difference between mono & herpes?

Answer: You get mono from snatching a kiss….

You might be a redneck if…
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot! (boom tish!!)

Why dont women need watches?

Because theres a clock on the stove.

1. Put it in.

2. Pull it out.

3. Repeat if necessary

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy put. He shouted, Damn, missed again.

The nun, shocked, warned him God will get you for that.

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed Damn It! Missed again the nun repeated her warning God will get you for that!

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out Damn It! Missed again!.

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE – XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: Belt your family. Its the law.

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: Broken English spoken perfectly

At an Applebees restaraunt: NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!

Fitness Center sign: Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself – regardless of the facts.