Old and New Jokes

Men, want to know where you stand in the rough-and-tumble, give-and-take
world of relationships? Heres your score card from the Mens Journal
of Health.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and
points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing something she
expects– sorry, thats the way the game is played.

Simple Duties

You make sure theres plenty of gas in the car +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
in the car to make it to the nearest gas station -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb. +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck
pulls away. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish +1
You leave them under the bed -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings. +5
But return with beer. -5
You leave the toilet seat up -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when its empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly
to the next bathroom -2
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and its something +5
You pummel it with a six iron.+10
Its her father-10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy. -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants. -8
When mingling, you hold your mates hand and gaze
at her lovingly. +1
When mingling, you introduce her as the ol ball and chain
and pat her on the rump -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you. +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think shes
attractive, you say, Yeah, but dont worry, shes lousy
in bed -6
That woman is her sister-90
You have one drink, and thats it 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.-18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

You unclog a stopped-up toilet +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit +7
You get rid of a dead rodent +8
You remove the collie from the thresher+12
You take her mother to see Cats+16

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
park the car +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk. +3
Most of it chips and beer -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.+15
Or refinishing the floors+16
Or rewiring the basement+17
Or adding a second floor+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket -6
And youre tickled pink about it.-15
You visit her parents +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television -3
And the television is off -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear. -6
And you didnt even go to college-10
And its not your underwear-15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner. 0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And its all-you-can-eat night -3
Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing +4
And you stink +2
And youre not half bad. +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and youre escorted out
to much applause. -2
You give her a gift 0
You give her a gift, and its a small appliance.-10
You give her a gift, and its not a small appliance +1
You give her a gift, and it isnt chocolate +2
You give her a gift that youll be paying off for months.+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day-10
With her credit card.-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big.-40

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely-10
You forget your anniversary-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station.-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast-50

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal. -5
And the pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single. -7
And he drives a Trans Am-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)-15
You have a few beers. -9
And miss curfew by an hour.-12
You get home at 3 am.-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars-30
And not wearing any pants-40
Is that a tattoo???-200

Her Night Out

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends. +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
late.+10
You wait up.+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed+20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom.+25
Which you clean up+35

A Night At Home

You watch TV together 0
You rent a movie +1
You rent a movie and its SENSE & SENSIBILITY +3
Its SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout +5
Its SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep. -1
Its SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool -2

A Night Out

You take her to a movie. +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6
You take her to a movie you like. -2
Its called DeathCop 3 -7
Which features cyborgs having sex -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs-15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when its expected 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it +5
You give her wildflowers youve actually picked yourself.+10
And she contracts Lyme disease-25

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts -5

Grooming

You trim your nails +5
You trim your nails in the living room.-10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat-15
You shave on the weekends +2
You dont shave on the weekends -4
You dont bathe on the weekends either. -8
But then, neither does she. +8

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical -5
Something she cant use.-10
Such as a motorized model airplane-20
And your kid needs braces-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.-120

Driving

You lose the directions on a trip -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt-60

The Big Question

She asks, Do I look fat?
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
. -5
You hesitate in responding.-10
You reply, Where?-25

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV+10
She realizes this is because youve fallen asleep-10

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

Theres no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich mans sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

A Hindu gets on a plane and sits next to a European.

As the plane takes off, he unrolls a wrapper containing Hindu vegetarian food which smells so much that the Europeans nose twitches.

He turns to the man and says, Food India with a grin.

He then takes out a container containing the foulest smelling liquid and again the man at the side has a twitching nose.

He grins sheepishly at the man and says, Sorry. Drink India

He then proceeds with his meal.

As soon as he has finished he farts. It is a loud, long fart.

He grins sheeepishly and says, Air India

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

– Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

– Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

– Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…

Modem: What cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrixs wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.

Henry Ford muere y llega al Cielo. En la puerta, San Pedro lo recibe y le dice:

Bien, tú fuiste una persona buena y ni que decir que tu invención, la línea de montaje para automóviles, cambió el mundo. Como recompensa, puedes pasear a voluntad en el Cielo. Puedes ir para cualquier lugar.

Ford piensa por un momento y solicita:

Yo quiero estar junto a Dios un rato.

Entonces, San Pedro le pide a un ángel que acompañe a Ford a la sala privada del Todopoderoso. Ford entra en la sala y le pregunta a Dios con reverencia:

Señor Todopoderoso, cuando inventaste a la mujer, ¿en qué pensabas?

¿Qué quieres decir con eso?

“Bueno, Señor, hay grandes problemas en el proyecto de tu invención:

1. No existe ningún modelo económico.

2. Hace mucho ruido cuando se calienta.

3. El mantenimiento es extremadamente caro.

4. Necesita constantemente de pintura.

5. Tiene que parar 5 días de cada 28.

6. El sistema se tapa y es necesario anularle algunos tramos.

7. Antes del primer tercio de su vida útil se le caen las defensas delanteras y traseras.

8. Las vestiduras se cuartean a los pocos kilómetros.

9. El consumo de combustible es asombroso.

10. Es muy lento comparado con el otro modelo que hiciste.

Y éstos son sólo algunos de los problemas”.

Hmmm…, aguarda un minuto.

Dios va para la Supercomputadora Celestial, hace clic en un icono de la pantalla y, casi instantáneamente, aparece un listado. Dios lee el informe, se vuelve hacia Ford y le dice:

Puede ser que mi proyecto tenga problemas como tú dices, pero aún así, en este preciso momento, hay más hombres trepados en mi invento que en el tuyo.

Un borracho sale de la cantina como a las cinco de la mañana. En eso, dando la vuelta en un callejón se le aparece Drácula. Con una voz cavernosa el vampiro le advierte:

¡Te voy a chupar la sangre!

Envalentonado por el alcohol, el temulento le encara:

¡A mí me vas a chupar la verga!

¡Bueno, pero rapidito, antes de que salga el sol!, le apresura.

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preachers entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, Okay, well let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.



The preacher is astonished and replies, But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby.



St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply