A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?
But why? asks the man.
Im a divorce lawyer.
29
Jun
29
Jun
As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story
is somewhat painful. This is a true story which happened during the late
1970s. My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since, at the
time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction the incident occurred.
There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of
Niagara Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the local
volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing their cat
from a tree. Since this was a questionable call, the fire control
dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond.
The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening
and it shouldnt be a problem for the volunteers to respond.
The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an
extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support
the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire
hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested
an alternate course of action. Two of the firefighters supported the
ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at
about half its height.
The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup
truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over.
One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his
reach.
The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.
The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of
Niagara Falls, and was never seen again.
This incident adds a rather new definition to the word catapult.
Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive
praise from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds. Please note
that this story is not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who
perform a dedicated and essential community function.
29
Jun
A farmer had three sons. One day, his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating high school, he would really like to get a car.
His father said, Son, come here. He took him to the barn, pointed to the tractor and said, This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as its paid for, well get you a car. The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him, wanting a motorcycle. Well, the father said, as soon as the tractor is paid for well see about getting you your scooter. Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike. Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his fathers explanation, saw the farm rooster doing its rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself. His dad asked, Son, now why would you do something like that? He didnt do anything to deserve that. The third son replied, Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!
29
Jun
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A: 100. One to make the batter and 99 to crack the shells on the M&Ms.
29
Jun
A recent survey carried out by a leading soft drink manufacturer in
Disneyland produced some strange results.
Mickey Mouse like Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi.
Donald Duck likes Dr.Pepper, while Daisy prefers RootBeer.
Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy.
But Snow White adores 7up.
28
Jun
You think those yellow traffic signs that say Slow children at play means the kids in the area are not too bright.
At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
You think Country & Western covers both types of music.
28
Jun
Un borrachÃn llega a un hotel y pregunta por el baño.
Siga hasta el final del pasillo y gire hacia la izquierda.
El beodo siguió hasta el final del pasillo pero no giró hacia la izquierda, sino hacia la derecha, en dirección a la piscina, a donde cae sin saberlo y grita asustado:
¡Por favor no le den a la palancaaaaa!
28
Jun
El Chileno no se emborracha… SE CURA O SE COCE
El Chileno no tiene amigos… TIENE YUNTAS
El Chileno no se burla… AGARRA PAL HUEVEO
El Chileno no tiene depresión… SE ACHACA
El Chileno no conversa… PURO HUEVEA
El Chileno no hace el amor… CULEA, TIRA, SE MANDA UNA CACHA
El Chileno no es tonto … ES AGÃœEONAO,
El Chileno no es inteligente… ES ASCURRIO
El Chileno no molesta… ES LADILLA
El Chileno no baila… PERO TRATA
El Chileno no va a una fiesta… VA A UN CARRETE
El Chileno no se toma un trago… SE TOMA UN COPETE
El Chileno no toma aguardiente… TOMA PISCOLA
El Chileno no toma ron… TOMA VINO
El Chileno no se molesta… SE EMPUTECE
El Chileno no te golpea… TE HACE MIERDA
El Chileno no fracasa… LA CAGA
El Chileno no flojea… SACA LA VUELTA
El Chileno no sale corriendo… SALE APRETANDO CACHETE
El Chileno no sale apurado… SALE CAGANDO
El Chileno no es dificil… ES COMPLICAO
El Chileno no es molestoso… ES HINCHA-COCOS
El Chileno no es un tipo alegre… ES LA ZORRA
El Chileno no te reta… TE ECHA LA FOCA
El Chileno no te reprende… TE ECHA LA CHORIÃ
El Chileno no conquista… JOTEA
El Chileno no engaña a su pareja… LE PONE EL GORRO
El Chileno no sale con TU esposa (o)… es PATAS NEGRAS
El Chileno no es un tipo bueno… ES UN BACAN!
El Chileno no es creido… SE CREE LA RAJA
El Chileno no hace negocios raros… ES MAFIOCA
El Chileno no es burgués… ES CUICO
El Chileno no es del pueblo… ES FLAYTE
El Chileno no dice Aguas!, cuidado!… dice: GUARDA CULIAO!
El Chileno no dice La Policia!, LaLey!…dice: LOS PACOS COCHETUMARE!!!
El Chileno no es volado… ESH ASHI SHUPER LOCO
El Chileno no anda en coche o carro… ANDA EN AUTO
El Chileno no come bananas… COME PLÃTANOS
El Chileno no come aguacate… COME PALTA
El Chileno no come cacahuates… COME MANÃ
El Chileno no come hamburguesas… COME MIERDONALS
El Chileno no come bifechorizo… COME CHORIPAN
El Chileno no come fresas… COME FRUTILLAS
El Chileno no dice baterias… dice: PILAS
El Chileno dice Hola pero tambien dice: QUÉ ONDA? QUÉ CONTAY?
El Chileno no dice eso tan feo…dice: ESA HUEÃ DE MIERDA
Y uno deportivo… muchos Chilenos todavÃa dicen GOOOOL!!!!
pero la gran mayorÃa le ponen apellido y dicen: GOOOOOOOOLLLLL!!! CONCHETUMADRE!!!
Si quiere conocer el Caribe, vaya a Cuba o a República Dominicana;
si quiere conocer el PacÃfico, vaya a Perú o al Ecuador;
si quiere conocer el Atlántico, vaya a Argentina o al Brasil;
si quiere conocer las culturas precolombinas, vaya a México;
pero si quiere ver cómo es el mejor paÃs de sudamérica, con todo eso junto y mucho más, VAYA A CHILE!!!
Y VIVA CHILE MIERDA!
28
Jun
Q: Why dont blind people sky dive?
A: It scares there dogs to death.
28
Jun
The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the towns most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way?
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, Um… No.
Or, the lawyer continued, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, Or that my sisters husband died in a traffic accident, the lawyers voice rising in indignation, Leaving her pennyless with three children?
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, I had no idea…
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, So if I dont give any money to them, why should I give any to you?