A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a
scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
Im on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and its today.
The bartender says Well, since its your birthday, Ill buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, I would
like to buy you a drink too.
The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two
drops of water.
Coming up, says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, I would like to buy
you one too.
The old women says, Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with
two drops of water.
Comin right up, the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
Maam, Im dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?
The ! old woman replies, Sonny, when youre my age, you learn how
to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.
Why dont women need a watch?
Theres a clock on the stove.
This story is an old one, popular with zoo veterinarians (Im told).
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was
in heat. What what to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike,
a JEDR responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Now Mike, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasnt very
bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was
approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla–
for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but
would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions: First, he said, I dont want to
have to kiss her, and Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring
that may result from this union.
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third? Well, said Mike, Youve gotta give me another
week to come up with the five hundred bucks.
New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90s
OLD—————NEW
conservative–reactionary
the establishment–white power elite
hearing person–temporarily aurally abled
sighted person–temporarily visually abled
blind–visually challenged
mute–vocally challenged
deaf–aurally challenged
dead–metabolically different
alive–temporarily metabolically abled
ugly–aesthetically challenged
fat–gravitationally challenged
heavy-set–people of mass
rude–politically correct
psychopath–socially misaligned
crooked–ethically challenged
klutzy–kinesthetically challenged
bald–follicularly challenged
short–differently statured
non-white, non-male oppressed–white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive
white male–oppressor
black–african-american
asian–asian-american
afro-american–african-american
minority group–numerically challenged group; under-represented population
black–person of color
Chicano–person of color
weird green freak–person of color
female–person of gender
drooling drunk idiot–person on floor
group of blacks–Under-Represented population of persons of color
Group of Whites–L.A.P.D.
woman–womyn
women–wymin
girl–pre-womyn
man–oppressor
boy–oppressor-to-be
pregnancy–parasitic oppression
janitor–sanitation engineer
disabled car-mechanically challenged car
dish washer–utensil sanitizer
dairy–where cows are raped
ranch–where cattle are murdered
egg ranch–where hens are raped
biology department–where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of theimperialist drug companies
fishing–raping the oceans
farming– exploiting mother earth
nhl hockey–uniformed fascists vying for superiority
paper bag– processed tree carcass
Many of the labels from the 80s are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).
old 80s/90s
deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged
blind /sight impaired/visually challenged
retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged
queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)
fat/big boned/alternative body image
The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter alive.
Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid went up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked him up and down and said, I got a suggestion thats sure to help.
Tell me, Tell me! said the young dude.
Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg.
Will that make me a better gunfighter?
You damn betcha, said the old man.
The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie off the piano player. Wow, that really helped! Got any more suggestions?
Yeah – Ifn you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gunll slide out a lot smoother.
Will that make me a better gunfighter?
You damn betcha.
The dude did as he was told, then drew his gun, and lightning quick, shot a cufflink off the piano player. This is really helping me out! Is there anything else you can share with me?
One more thing, said the old timer. Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.
The fellow didnt hesitate and immediately started smearing the grease on the gun barrel.
No, no, the whole gun, said the graybeard. Handle and everything.
Will that make me a better gunfighter?
Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that bar piano, hes gonna shove that gun up your ass and this way it wont hurt so much.
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:
Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy-lube, stroke, console, bark, purr,hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, Reddi-Whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while shes puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, Krazy Glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot-weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, dont care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship … and then go back, Jack, and do it all over again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:
Blow job.
Man: Do you serve breakfast here?
Waitress: Sure, whatll it be?
Man: Let me have watery scrambled eggs … some burnt toast … and some weak coffee, lukewarm.
Waitress: Whatever you say, sir.
Man: Now, are you doing anything while that order is going through.
Waitress: Why – no , sir.
Man: Then sit here and nag me awhile … Im feeling homesick.
Theres these three guys and theyre out having a relaxing day fishing.
Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for
granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesnt believe it,
and says:
Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q.
The mermaid says: Done.
Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it
with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid:
Triple my I.Q.. The mermaid says: Done.
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that
have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry,
etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to
the mermaid: Quintuple my I.Q. The mermaid looks at him and says: You
know, I normally dont try to change peoples minds when they make a wish,
but I really wish youd reconsider. The guy says: Nope, I want you to
increase my I.Q. times five, and if you dont do it, I wont set you free.
Please, says the mermaid You dont know what youre asking…itll
change your entire view on the universe…wont you ask for something
else…a million dollars, anything? But no matter what the mermaid said, the
guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power. So
the mermaid sighed and said: Done.
And he became a woman.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.
Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!
Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?