Old and New Jokes

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed

glanced over and noticed that Teds penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

Blimey, Ed said. Ive never seen one like that before!

Like what? Ted said.

All twisted like a pigs tail Ed said.

Well whats yours like? Ted said.

Well straight like normal Ed said.

I thought mine was normal til I saw yours Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants.

What did you do that for? Ted said.

Shaking off the excess drops Ed said. Like normal.

Shit Ted said. And all these years Ive been wringing it!

Drinking heavily the night before.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, Martha, pack
up your things. I just won the California lottery!

Martha replies, Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?

The man responds, I dont care. Just so long as youre out of the
house by noon!

You might be a redneck if…
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

Faxed to me at work by a colleague:

For Sale by Owner:
Complete Set of Encyclopedia Brittanica
Excellent condition, but no longer needed;
Fucking wife knows everything.

A brunette was jumping along railroad tracks, saying, “21, 21, 21.” A blonde comes along and starts doing the same thing. They hear a train and the brunette jumps off, but the blonde keeps jumping. The blonde gets hit and dies. After the train leaves, the brunette jumps back on saying this time, “22, 22, 22….”

The 1/19 Baltimore
Sun had an interview with Frank Marshall, director of upcoming film, "Alive,"
in which a rubgy team marooned in the mountains must resort to cannibalism
for survival.
Mr. Marshall said he was out driving, discussing the film deal on his
car phone, when he was cut off by a pickup with a bumper sticker reading,
"Rugby Players Eat Their Dead."
He decided to make the film, saying, "You have to go with those
kinds of things."

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Haifa!
Haifa who?
Haifa cake is better than none!

Your birth announcement included the word rug rat.

Youve ever hitchhiked naked.

Youre turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Hard drive – Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm