Old and New Jokes

A cabbage, a water hose, and a bottle of tomato sauce joined a race. The race goes on and this is what happens…The cabbage is a-head… the hose is still running… and the bottle is trying to ketchup…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Weevil!
Weevil who?
Weevil work it out!

Están un cirujano, un ingeniero y una informática discutiendo acerca de cuál es la profesión más antigua del mundo:

El médico dice: Pues está claro: Dios creó a la mujer con una costilla del hombre, una operación quirúrgica exquisita, entonces los cirujanos somos los primeros.

El ingeniero: Qué va,qué va, antes del hombre existía el caos, pura desorganización y va Dios y con una maestría extraordinaria hace un proyecto de ingeniería asombroso y crea el universo, por tanto la Ingeniería es la profesión más antigua.

La informática: ¿Y quién creen ustedes que creó el Caos?

Están dos madres y una le dice a la otra:

Oye, dile a tu hija que me deje de estar imitando.

¡Niña! ¡Deja de hacerte la idiota!

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.



Look, said one, lets be honest with each other.



Okay, you first, replied the other.



That was the end of the discussion.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isnt it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadnt heard the question.



Isnt it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? the lawyer repeated.



The witness still did not respond.



Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.



Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

Do you know what I?m doing? he asks.

Yes, she replies. You?re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities.

That?s right, says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. Do you know what I?m doing now?

You?re checking for any lumps or breast cancer, she replies.

Correct, says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. Do you know what I?m doing now?

Yes, she says. You?re getting herpes?which is why I came here in the first place.

Whats the smartest thing thats ever came from a females mouth? einstiens cock.

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures hes referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….

He is interrupted by the doctor, And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.

Yes! Exactly! How did you know?

Well I am the worlds greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.

Two weeks go by and the man is back, Well, how do you feel?

Doc, Im a new man! I feel great! I havent had a headache since I started this treatment! I cant thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, Keith, were in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

Keith replied, No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.

Picture this All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!